Real hot chocolate is not a liquid.

Real hot chocolate isn’t made from water. Real hot chocolate doesn’t have wussy little freeze-dried marshmallows in it. Real hot chocolate is so thick you have to eat it with a spoon, or lacking that, a chisel. Real hot chocolate can be used to regrout the bathroom floor tile, or stop a small military coup. When you turn the cup upside down, real hot chocolate will take a few seconds before it oozes out. There is nothing powdered in real hot chocolate.

Real hot chocolate is made the following way:

• Heat three cups of 2% milk so that it’s hot but not boiling.

• Stir in one cup of semisweet dark chocolate chips (milk and milk chocolate are sworn enemies and will inflict their age-old vendetta upon the soul of your first born should you mix them. Or at least, it won’t taste so good)

• Add two teaspoons of vanilla, a tablespoon of cinnamon, two tablespoons of brown sugar, a fourth of a cup of cream, and a teaspoon of cardamom if you have it.

• Stir until everything is smooth and melted. Drink, or at least, dunk.

Save the sugar/creamer/artificial coco flavoring substitute for coffee- this is real hot chocolate.