Better Dead Than Red-Hot Sauce

This recipe is in tribute to the book Masters of Deceit: What the Communist Bosses are Doing Now to Bring America to its Knees, a 1957 rant against socialists in America and their use of pornography, atheism, and minority civil rights (among other nefarious activities) to prepare us for the Soviet takeover.

It contains useful hints on identifying which of your friends may be a Russian spy and what you as a loyal patriot should do if your local newspaper is taken over by fanatical comrades. The author? Everyone’s favorite illegal wiretapper and crossdresser, J. Edgar Hoover.

So, just in time for Valentines day, here’s a recipe for 'Better dead than red-hot sauce'

• Combine 1.5 cups chunked carrots, 1 large Vidalia onion, 1.5 cups lime juice, three cloves mashed garlic, and 2.5 tsp kosher salt in a saucepan and bring to a boil until carrots are soft like a Communist Party Toady (their official title, apparently).

• Place mixture in blender with 12 chopped habanero chilis and process till smooth, smooth as the takeover of the U.S. will be with all these godless feminists paving the way for Russia to swoop in.

And I’m only on chapter 3.