The Übermarket

An instructive way of comparing supermarkets is to compare them to cars: especially around the Washington area, there are a variety of brand names, sizes and price points from which to choose.

For example, when I need the basics and nothing more, I go to the Soviet Safeway on 17th and Corcoran in Dupont Circle. The Soviet is like a late-model Honda Civic you keep around for small errands or to pass on for use as a teenager's first car. It doesn't have many features, occasionally has annoying quirks and doesn't exactly drive like a dream, but it's functional most of the time and a step up from your old scooter (the corner store).

The Whole Foods in Logan Circle is like a fully loaded top-of-the-line Volvo: safe, expensive and oriented to boring upper-middle class living. Many people would be more inclined to shop at Whole Foods more often if they were cheaper and they got over themselves and sold Coke and Pepsi products.

Trader Joe's is the Volkswagen Jetta of the supermarket world. Youth-oriented, sporty, friendly and occasionally adventurous, it goes well with catchy indie tunes and spontaneous picnics.

The Wegmans in Sterling, Va. is way beyond the sedan class. It’s a tricked-out Cadillac Escalade with the full leather package, nitro boosters, 22-inch rims and LCD screens in the seatbacks. If Xzibit was a foodie, this is how he'd pimp his ride.

The main entrance of this Loudoun County monster leads to a prepared foods area about twice the size of the large-ish steam table joint I used to frequent when I worked in the Judiciary Square/Union Station area. Sandwiches, pizza, sushi, pasta: you name it, they have it ready to consume. Although Wegman’s position in the sad, sad tangle of copycat housing and uncrossable intersections that is the outer NoVa burbs makes it a less-than-ideal spot to grab lunch, you’ll want to carbo load before seeing the rest of the store.

So where exactly is the Metro that goes here?

Next come the packaged meats, cheeses and baked goods. This section alone is about the same size as the Soviet Safeway, allowing for far, far wider aisles in which you can actually pass other shoppers with carts. The size of the section, a sad little corner even in the larger Social Safeway, emphasizes the sheer size of the place, like a powerboat on a retractable arm hanging off the back of a luxury yacht.

Next come the wine and luxury goods. Unlike the District’s mostly pathetic Safeways and Giants, you can buy beer and wine in Virginia supermarkets. It’s a genuinely redeeming feature of the state, but not nearly enough to make up for the “droopy drawers” bill of the last legislative session. There are wines on shelves like at Whole Foods, but there are also wines in a special room off the general sales floor, perhaps too expensive to expose to supermarket shoplifters.

Around here, you’ll find the olive bar. This photo is a bit blurry, but those are all olives.

The thoroughness of the olive bar is repeated throughout the rest of the supermarket. While even the larger suburban Giants have a few cheap-o pots and pans Wegmans has a selection that rivals that of Bed, Bath and Beyond. While the Soviet devotes one half of one side of an aisle to pasta and sauce, Wegman’s has two aisles, including the brand of fresh-ish gnocchi I love but can’t find reliably.

I could go on and on about the variety of brands of everything from ice cream (see left) to root beer to soup, but much more would be redundant. Wegmans is bigger than the college gymnasium down the block that my high school borrows each year for the biggest basketball game of the season.

Just like Wegmans, I don't know if this represents all that is good or bad with America.

Of special interest is the ethnic foods department. While some Adobo seasoning and a few jars of gefilte fish and biryani paste are all you’ll find outside of a genuine ethinic market in D.C., I was able to find the preferred brand of guarana cola, the right flavor of Japanese gum, the best Israeli couscous and my Croatian seasoning of choice. Wegmans’ ethnic section devotes as much space to each country as the larger Safeways devote to everything foreign.

But there are drawbacks. Prices are reasonable, but the time you have to spend to get through all of it is not. Just like the monstrous SUVs that fill the parking lot, most people will not need the full Wegmans treatment more than once or twice a year for the hardest-to-find items, Otherwise, just like the Escalade, it’s a waste of gas.