Hug a US Department of Health worker

It’s a more fortunate soul than zaf who can make it through southeast Asia without some kind of health crisis. And so, as I sat writhing on the borrowed bed yesterday while my neither regions did battle with Cipro, I took a moment between hallucinating about Simpsons reruns to think about how great the US Department of Health is. I mean, it really really is. You might just know them as the bastards who keep on shutting down your favorite pizza place because the refrigerator was 1 degree off, But from now on I shall think of them in terms of my personal gods. Lemme tell you what you’d have to do without them

1. No ice. None. That means no slushies, no cold drinks, no sorbet, no girlie mixed drinks. It might look like factory ice (round, with a hole) but who knows that kind of water the factory was using, or what that ice was being used for before it arrived in your drink- (see # 3)

2. No water. And that means no fruit juice, because there’s a high chance that is cut with water to increase volume, no dishes that have been washed in water unless they have been bone dry for a few hours, no soups you don’t personally witness at a rolling boil, and you better be damn sure you keep your mouth closed in the shower. And even that bottled water? It better be name brand or carbonated. No fruit or eggs, or vegetables washed in water, even if you could eat them, which you can’t - (see # 3)

3. No fresh fruits or vegetables. Unless you can peel them, but then you have to use the patented lafb-tecnique: Ethyl-alcohol the knife you’re going to use, ethyl-alcohol the entire skin of the vegetable, rinse both with carbonated water. So no salads, no little decorative leaves on your plate, no lettuce or tomato in your sandwich. And that pre-pealed fruit you see gracing every corner? Check out the ice it’s sitting in. (See #1)

4. Meat products – Maybe. There’s no refrigeration to speak of, but everything is fried till its crunchy. This one’s a draw. But make sure that there’s at least a basket over it if it’s sitting in the sun all day, or that black crust? It ain’t barbecue, it’s flies. Mmm, protein.

Editors note: zaf is now feeling much better and can even read web comics unassisted.