Know your iced tea!

So many brands of iced tea only get half of the definition correct. They might be cold as hell, but each sip is a harsh reminder that claims of “Natural flavors’ in the US can be backed up by coal tar, chicken skin, and my personal favorite, that grapefruit aroma infused from grasshopper bits.

For those of us who prefer our tea to have something to do with plant matter, stalking the local 7-11 can be a daunting and thankless process. I would like to offer the following spotters guide in the interest of tagging these rare animals for future capture and study.

Malted battery acid
This syrupy brown liquid is perpetrated in the form of Lipton, Snapple , and Nestea, brands known for the gooy chemical residue they leaves on the roof of your mouth and that toxic burn at the back of your throat. If they appear premixed at a restaurant they're either noxiously sweet or dishwater bland when the poor server gets the syrup to water proportions confused. There is no hope for rehabilitation, shoot all species on site.

The mimic
The utter putridity of the malted battery acid variety has left the habitat open to any tea that won’t outright poison you: Arizona, Sobe, and Nantucket nectars. These drinks do a decent tea mimic and sometimes even include tea leaves as part of their manufacture.

Liquid hippie
There are many ways to get a hippie in liquid form, not the least of which is a blender. But in the last couple of years a couple of teas have taken a more domesticated approach: Honest Tea, The Republic of Tea, and Tazo. They’re real tea alright, often sugarless and always organic, as every label proclaims loudly. Drinking them will also single-handedly close the hole in the ozone layer, plant a new rainforest, and impregnate the endangered species of your choosing.

Milk tea, hold the tea
It’s the same concept that created, guacamole-flavored Doritos, pre-made Ritz cheese sandwich things, and peanut butter and jelly spread. If you’re going to be putting two ingredients together anyway, you might as well sell them as a single, low quality product. Milk and tea. In a bottle. Some places even warm it up. Then you have…warm milk and tea in a bottle. Well worth the tranquilizer dart. Try Gogono Koucha, or Kirin. Yes, Kirin.

That green honey rosewater stuff
A shy and retiring beast, the natural habitation for the green-honey-rosewater brands seems to be Thailand, Singapore, and Malaysia. But not, for some reason, Vietnam or Australia…or anywhere else in the entire world. Which is really too bad because I would happily sell both kidneys and an ear if it meant just one more sip of this sweet sweet concoction. Ito En makes good ones.