Homecoming, Part 1

It’s exactly 10 months since zaf and amg left DCFUD in the hands of our excellent guest editors and set off to find food poisoning in new places. And tomorrow, we return to you victorious, having successfully been poisoned by an amazing variety of culinary methods It would have been later, but our craving for a burrito got to be too much. Also, we’re broke.

But I mean it about the burrito. They have become my de facto unit of currency. Common statements have been ‘Hey, you should buy that, it only costs two burritos.’ And, ‘Man, that dinner was four burritos and it still sucked.’

So here it is, Homecoming Part One: the best permanent restaurants from Japan, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia, and Hong Kong, measured in burritos. Special thanks to everyone who supplied us with all the antibiotics that made this trip possible.

Japan:
Serina Honten, Tokyo- They massage the cows and feed them beer. It sounds like a frat prank, instead it’s beef so tender that it can be eaten like sushi. And there are Geishas! Better than a burrito, and with a price tag of about fifty of 'em, it better be.

Generic, coin operated, noodle shops- They have them everywhere, covered in fried eggs and fish flakes. About half as good as a burrito.

Thailand:
Streetfood, Bangkok- The pork noodles served out of the back of a pickup truck. The rice omelettes. The tenticles on a stick. At least as good as a burrito, and cheaper.

Glass Home, Bangkok- Neuveau thai. It does exist, and this is where you get it. About as good as a burrito.

Vietnam:
Lac Thanh Restaurant: No one speaks English, so the only way to order the crab rice noodles and huge roast prawns is to point and flap around. Almost as good as a burrito.

Mango: A menu that can only be described as neuveau-freaky. Everything on it contains mangos in some fashion. Better than a burrito, and more creative.

Singapore:
Newton Hawker Center: What Thai and Vientnamese street food will turn into once the countries develop more. About as good as a burrito.

Malaysia:
Any of the storefronts in Chinatown/ Kuala Lampur. You’ll know the popular ones from the lines outside. Try the pearl noodles in a claypot, still covered in scorch marks. Almost as good as a burrito, and half the price.

Hong Kong
Yellow door- A private kitchen, with delectable 16 course meals. They warn you, weak whitey that you are, when spicy ones are on their way. Better than a burrito. And spicier.

Da Ping Huo – Another private kitchen. At the end of the 12 course meal the chef comes out of the kitchen and sings opera to you. Much better than a burrito, may I be forgiven.

Hutong- Look over the city while munching oddities like date and tomatoe ice cream. At least as good as a burrito, and much prettier.

Maxim Dim Sum – It’s on the second floor of city hall- tasty and legal at the same time. Really fresh stuff. About as good as a burrito. But in tiny bite-sized portions!

India
Kyhber- So many kababs and curries and breads that you forget about the scary little barefoot kids banging on the car windows on the way there. About as good as a burrito.

Bade Miya- Street food with its own phone number- four men turn kababs while two more toss fresh dosas onto hot metal spheres with freakish speed. About half as good as a burrito.

The Spice Route Apparently this is one of the top 10 restaurants in the world, and the interior took 7 years to hand-carve. And incidentally, the food is pretty good. Better than a burrito, I admit.

Tomorrow: the best of Australia and New Zealand.