What to Eat if You Want to Live Like a Beer Commercial

Well, it must be springtime, because I finally got out to Kaufmann's Tavern in Gambrills, Maryland for the annual rite of bashing crabs with mallets and washing them down with gallons of beer. This place is sheer crabby magic, I swear. A half-hour drive out 50-E from downtown, it would be worth the trip even if one had to walk. (That being said, feminine wiles and/or a nice boy who will drive you there are advantageous.)

Go with a huge crowd of people if at all possible, and reserve the sunroom. It's quiet enough to hear your companions even over the noise of mallets hitting crustaceans--I know if I had to lip-read in a loud and crowded joint....well, I wouldn't, because I'd be busy bashing crabs. The waitresses might hate you a little for coming in with twenty people (that's part of the charm of this place), but be nice and they'll be calling you "Darlin'" before too long.

Hope it storms while you're there, because it's beautiful when it does that. (Alternatively, sit in one of the main dining areas on a night when local stand up comedians are performing. I can personally vouch for Adam Ruben, who appeared on the Kauffman's stage recently.) Order several pitchers of beer, and the mussels and the rich cheesy crab dip and the enormous spicy peel-and-eat shrimp to snack on while you wait for your bushels of crabs to come out.

I would describe the crabs, but I'd feel terrible if you drooled all over your keyboard and shorted it out.