The New Stoney's - Reviewed by the Five Paragraph Bitter Bar Food Critic

When my friend Wayne called one evening, just before spring, he told me that the beloved dive bar Stoney's would be closing. Its building on L Street was being gutted, forcing the joint to close. Stoney's was famous for good pizzas, massive grilled cheese sandwiches and cheap beer - three of my reasons to live, frankly. We had to go say goodbye to our old friend.

Stoney's stood out in that it was a good ole' fashioned neighborhood bar. It wouldn't cause a fuss in East Baltimore or East Des Moines, the south side of Philly or Boston; would have fit in perfectly in Western Pennsylvania by replacing the Redskins' photos with Steelers and Iron City neon lights. The kind of place with grizzled old late-night diner waitresses who might bring you what you ordered, and cuss you out if they got it wrong. Pictures on the walls of local sports scenes; some remembered, some forgotten, and all with a permanent layer of dust. Regulars straight from Central Casting - old men looking for a cold sip and a hot bite, straight from the job - if they had one. A gruff bartender who didn't care how old you liked your Scotch because they only had one bottle - a gallon-sized plastic drum made from the finest distillery in Kinhump, Iowa. Stoney's was an institution, a bar stuck in time, with a 1950s menu and decor. It wasn't a created by a celebrity chef or HGTV interior designer, just a guy who liked beer and hearty chow. It harkened back to a different era, when D.C. wasn't a place you went out in, but got out from.

We took solace that last beer-soaked night knowing that the owner would be looking for a new location for Stoney's. When that new location turned out to be Logan Circle, we wondered how a new Stoney's would look in yet another rapidly-evolving neighborhood, a place that used to be more hookers than homes. I went there Wednesday night, not really sure what to expect. Would some of the old regulars be sitting on a crooked bar, laughing at the Yuppies shopping at Whole Foods across the street? They'll certainly be griping about the Redskins' losing season, right? Maybe expressing shock that Alfonso Soriano left town, and wondering how much ole' Frank Howard could make if we were playing today.

I walked into a perfectly clean, crowded bar full of freshly-scrubbed young professionals. A bar that now has a larger wine and microbrew selection, a heck of a lot more seating, and no rickety stairs to negotiate when heading to the bathroom. None of the old guys were there at all. Conversation was more policy than prose, and the waitresses were actually attractive. As though my system wasn't shocked enough, Stoney's now takes credit cards! Fortunately, they still have the best grilled cheese sandwich in town, or else I'd have been in Bizarro DC.

It's a great place to go for a cheap meal and good drink. It's definitely respectable. It is what every suburban chain bar and grill strives to be, and somehow misses. Still friendly, still inviting, but different. Changed...much like it's new neighborhood.

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3 Whammies! out of 5. Stoney's gets a Whammy! each for still being a great value, with heavenly grilled cheese sandwiches and good beer, and their choice to take credit cards saved me 2 bucks in ATM fees. That's gotta be worth an additional 2 Whammies! there. Stoney's lost 2 Whammies! by being completely unrecognizable from the old place and for being too close to Whole Foods. Nothing worse than eating fried foods and drinking beer and watching lean, healthy people walk out with organic cheeses, veggies and whole-grain pastas, knowing that you should be eating better. Plus, the way the hungry Whole Foods shoppers were drooling over my fried foods and beer was VERY distracting.
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Stoney's
1433 P Street NW
Washington DC 20005