The Five Paragraph Bitter Wedding Food Critic

As my lifelong friend Joe drove away with his new bride Kassy on Saturday, so ended my "Season of Taffeta." Four weddings and a bachelor party in Vegas, all compacted in the past seven weekends. Combined with my ongoing project of helping a friend shoot a little indie flick on the Eastern Shore and helping my mom move to Phoenix, Arizona, I haven't had much time to dine the way I'd like. You know...with table service. Servers without nametags and flair. Menus that don't have backlighting and value meals. Without getting smooshed between great aunt Hilda and flatulent uncle Marty at table number 8 asking me "why ain't choo married yet?"

Still, I can't complain too much - there are positives abound with so many weddings. My friends are demonstrating their love and commitment. There's usually a lot of food and drinks. Bridesmaids are usually attractive. Aunt Hilda and uncle Marty reaffirmed my decision to avoid all family reunions. And I learned things that will come in handy should I decide to get married, or put in a bid for that mail order Russian bride.

1) Caterers at a wedding should always have one vegan/vegetarian dish. No matter how carnivoiristic the bride and groom may be, there's always at least one person who won't eat the chicken or the fish. It's a nice gesture, and veggie options are often cheap.

2) Open bars are all well and good, but the bar should not be the only place to get drinks, especially at a reception with lots of young children. The smartest thing I've seen in a while was a "Kid's Drink Stand" where they could mix and match their favorite flavors for juices and waters, and let the adults have the bar to themselves.

3) Wedding cakes may be gorgeous, but they are simply not practical. Tiered cakes can be messy, difficult to move and store, and require a dedicated cake cutter after the initial bride and groom slice. Some people want big pieces of cake, others just want a little bit with extra frosting. To eliminate that hassle, do what Joe and Kassy did, as pictured above: wedding cupcakes and canollis. Minimal mess, easy storage, and ready-made serving sizes.

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The 5PBWC gives 8 Whammies! to the weddings I went to this fall. 2 Whammies! for each groom being level-headed, 2 Whammies! for each bride not morphing into Bridezilla, 2 Whammies! for tasteful bridesmaids' dresses, and 2 Whammies! for each open bar, because, frankly, I wasn't interested in juice.
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