The Five Paragraph Bitter Food Critic Will Not Be Molli-Coddled

Have you ever tried something new just because the packaging looked interesting? I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm American, have some disposable income, and am easily distracted by bright, pretty things.

At least, that's my excuse for trying out MolliCoolz yesterday, and I'm sticking with it. I was not particularly hungry for ice cream, nor was I even trying to feed a sweet tooth. I was simply walking down the frozen foods aisle, minding my own business, when *BAM* I saw a bunch of ice cream beads staring at me.

I was intrigued. These MolliCoolz looked like Dippin' Dots - Ice Cream of the Future! - but I didn't have to go to a theme park, mall or baseball stadium to get them. What struck me was the packaging - pre-wrapped individual serving sizes in a small plastic tub, or four of the tubs wrapped together. The tub is transparent, so you can see the brightly colored beads. The ice cream looked like fun, like a dairy-based fireworks display. The store had five flavors available, and while I'd given MolliCoolz a small glance before, they had never held my attention like this. I picked up the Cookies and Cream and Banana Split flavors, giving in to the temptation.

Where was the Good Angel, sitting on my shoulder, telling me "No Five! Bad Five! Don't Do It!" when I needed him? It's not that MolliCoolz are bad, per se, they're just not good. The cookie beads were a bland chocolate, and the vanilla beads were mediocre at best. The banana beads reminded me of driving past the petroleum domes near New York City on the Turnpike - tasteless and vaguely chemically.

MolliCoolz are definitely targeted towards the "spoiled rotten elementary school kid with over-indulgent and easily-manipulated-through-guilt parents" demographic. Anybody who is a big fan of small-batch ice creams and custards, like Gifford's, The Dairy Godmother, Thomas Sweet's or Ben and Jerry's, will be put off by the strange DuPont-esque taste. Little kids, who adore such wax-loaded candies like Nerds and GummiWorms, will love it.

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MolliCoolz earn 4 out of 10 Whammies! Whammies! were earned by being fairly affordable (4 single-serving tubs for 5 bucks at Giant), colorful, interesting, and being portion-controlled. I like the idea of a nutritional label being able to accurately indicate the calorie, sugar and carb counts for the entire package. However, it lost six Whammies! because it took me six bucks worth of soda, water and toothpaste to get the bland taste out of my mouth.
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