Why I don't have any Cakelove

By Andrew Kohn

Cupcakes are delicious. I love cupcakes. I draw my culinary Maginot line, however, with those cupcakes purchased from boutique bakeries throughout our region. This, of course, if a gross generalization - have I eaten some spongy goodness from every small business? No. But I've had enough to know what's good and what's not. And what's even more shocking to me is that simple cake should be something every American holds at minimum a master's degree in; all of us have eaten it since our first kindergarten birthday. We should all know what's average - but the cupcake craze has come and continues and continues and continues.

Anyone can make a cupcake if they try. It's not cassoulet. It's not even a sheet cake. Dollops of batter lovingly plopped into cheerfully decorated paper wrappers, they're virtually impossible to destroy; any easy-to-follow recipe can be had on the Internet or on a bag of flour. Sure they'll take about 30 minutes from start to finish, but the final product will be more than worth the effort. And I promise, they will taste just as good - if not better - than those you've purchased and you'll get a dozen for the cost of just one.

Store bought cupcakes are convenient. I agree. And the icing is usually tasty. But a great cupcake should be like a fifty-year marriage between cake and icing - comfortable, seamless, and complimentary. If you need some sugar, buy a tub of Duncan Hines and grab a spoon! Don't spend $3.50 for a few tablespoons of creatively flavored cream cheese or butter cream with a chunk of mediocre cake. If you don't bake because you only want one, eat your one and bring the rest to work. You'd be amazed at the co-worker goodwill created with baked goods.

As the weather gets warmer, I can comfort myself with the knowledge that our minds will soon turn to frozen yogurt and the super hip tartness scale. I say break free from the hold of these boutique bakeries! Leave them to the cake making; the cupcake is their version of the checkout aisle chocolate bar. It's impulsive and costly - the grande latte of the bakery world! You have a Jacques Torres within you...just set him free!

Editor's (JAY's) note:

"Men, buy my 'shocolate,' the ladies will love you...ladies beware, I'm eating some now." ;)

The Horticultural Talents of Thomas Jefferson

By Andrew Kohn

Right now in my garden, along with the bird feeders and strawberries, I'm growing 'Caseknife' Beans, Long Red Cayenne Peppers, and Balsam Apples. What'd these three plants have in common you ask? Surprise, they were all cultivated by Thomas Jefferson. This past weekend I visited Monticello and, for the first time, truly appreciated the horticultural talents of our 3rd President. In his gardens he cultivated numerous species of fruits and vegetables, giving us so much we can even overlook his weak attempts at grape cultivation! Although, somebody in Virginia has successfully figured out the equation - as evidenced by the fabulous Petit Verdot I imbibed on the trip.

(By the by, I dined at Fossett's Restaurant located at Keswick Hall near Charlottesville and had a scrumptious "re-invented" summer salad with tomato foam, basil jelly, and homemade cheese. Molecular gastronomy that even rich old people will eat! The duck was delicious although predictable and the pork was well done. Avoid the oyster and sweetbread stew - too many textures on top of too many flavors.)

I digress, however...back to my veggies. The peppers were first planted by Mr. Jefferson in 1767; the beans in the 1820s; and the Balsam Apple (an unusual vine) was planted in 1812 and adorned the walkways of Monticello. I write about these plants not to suggest you run out and buy them, but instead to think about the history of those tomatoes and herbs we're all planning on growing this season. Heirloom vegetables deserve a place in our gardens. My beans are one of the oldest documented varieties used in American gardens. This is exciting! On July 4th, I'm looking forward to chomping down on my colonial beans while reading the Declaration of Independence - both of which I should thank Thomas Jefferson for providing to me.

African-American Foodways Lecture

I met Michael Twitty of Afro Foodways a few years ago when his table was one of the Smithsonian Folklife Festival's exhibits on food culture. We spoke about Judaism - he is an African American man who has converted to Judaism, and we of course talked about food as well. He was fun and full of interestign information, and we have kept in touch over the years. Now is your chance to see him do his thing:

Saturday, March 28 - African-American Foodways Lecture - Alexandria Black History Museum, 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. It is a few blocks walk from Braddock Road Metro Station. The lecture is free!

703.838.4356. 902 Wythe Street. www.alexblackhistory.org.

Stir the Gumbo!

By my good friend, Guest Blogger Wayne Manigo AKA Wayneman. Wayne is on the left in the photo.

There are some musicians that make history by being masters at their craft. They might practice for hours each day, until they hit the pinnacle of success. Other may decide on combining other talents with their god given gift. Enter Bill Wharton (aka The Sauce Boss) and his band "The Ingredients." His unique style of playing the blues is combined by his love and desire for "Gumbo." "Uncle Bill" (I'm the only fan who calls him that) has a talent to make a gumbo that will "Knock your Aunt Connie's socks off!" This has been his signature style since 1990.

Once the Sauce Boss hits the stage, he's a magic man in motion. He's start by making the "holy trinity" of celery, onions, and green peppers for the "rue" on stage. As he continues to cook, the Sauce Boss will perform some of the finest blues in all the land. These are old school blues jams inspired by the likes of Robert Johnson, Duane Allman, Muddy Waters, and ZZ Top. As the band plays the blues into the wee hours, the Sauce Boss demands audience participation by inviting everyone to come onstage and "Stir the gumbo!" At the end of the night...the entire audience eats gumbo for free!

The first time I met "Uncle Bill" was nine years ago in his hometown of Tallahassee. I walked into this establishment named Bullwinkle's, which was voted best college bar by Playboy magazine. I couldn't believe what my senses were telling me! Was that the smell of gumbo coming from their Tikki bar? And who's that crazy guy with the chef's outfit playing the guitar?" By the end of the evening, I was dancing, singing, and sweating like I've never done before. Once the set is complete, "Uncle Bill" served this fabulous gumbo to the masses - free of charge.

I became a fan of "Bill Wharton and the Ingredients" on the spot! The Sauce Boss is so well known for his gumbo that it inspired Mr. Jimmy Buffet to pen the tune "I Will Play For Gumbo." He's been mentioned in the "Lee's Brother's Southern Cookbook" and they stated "When he comes to your town, you don't want to miss this blues and gumbo combination. "Uncle Bill" provides the Sauce Boss Gumbo Recipe for is gumbo on his website, so you can duplicate it at home. I make it each year at my annual pot luck prior to attending his annual concert at Madam's Organ.

It would be a crime not to mention the charity work the 'Sauce Boss' has done with his nonprofit organization " Planet Gumbo." This non-profit was created by Bill Wharton in Nov 2002 to help everyone understand the trials and tribulations of the homeless. His band continues to perform benefit concerts each year to raise money and awareness. By the end of time, The Sauce Boss would have spread his message for love, happiness, and helping other using gumbo and the blues. Let's eat!

Bill Wharton is playing at Madam's Organ at 9pm tomorrow (4/14).

I juice, therefore I am.

By Guest Blogger Andrew Kohn.

I have a confession to make and it's not a pretty one; I've fallen prey to the juicing craze. Once only reserved for the body-builder or new age hippie, juicing has now swept across America, picking up housewives in Salt Lake City, mixologists in New York City, and every Oprah watcher in-between. Isolated in my little kitchen, I thought I was immune to this tornado until the day I was re-gifted a juicer. No spinach, carrot, kale, or cranberry has been safe since.

But the real question is, why do I juice? Leafy greens produce about as much liquid as they look like they would, and you can only get so much out of a chunk of ginger. Sure, I could just use celery and cucumber, but I require flavor. Oprah's green juice recipe isn't too shabby, and if it's good enough for Oprah...but I also need some variation. And undoubtedly, there's some hidden team that produces the glass of juice to her majesty sans the mess that naturally follows a juicing session.

One problem is that doesn't keep for long. Some pulp will invariably make it into the glass. Let it stand for a few minutes and the strata begin to appear. The stages of juicing are revealed - the actual liquid, the fine sediment that successfully navigated through the sieve, and the foamy vegetable meringue that rests like whipped cream on top of the entire concoction. Stir that baby up and take a sip. Delicious. Don't stir it up - well, you're re-paid for your lazy attitude. I will admit there is nothing lazy, however, about my juicing. Freshly prepared every morning, it's not the smell of bacon that wakes up the house but the jarring buzz of parsley meeting a cruel fate.

You're mission, if you choose to accept, is to juice. The machines can be reasonable - instead of a morning $3.50 latte, buy the juicer and feed it some veggies. They're also staples at garage sales across the country - but don't let that deter you. Those people were quitters! And you're a winner! I bet you'll feel better and maybe even shed a few extra pounds in the process. Experiment with different flavors and compost the leftover vegetable pulp. Fresh juice has numerous health benefits , including an increase in metabolism and a preventative against cancer and heart disease.

I freely admit I've bought into the craze, sipped the proverbial carrot-ade, and wonder where I'll go next?! Hummus instead of mayonnaise? Gluten-free pumpkin seed toast instead of my English muffin? Carob chips instead of Hershey's! Now let's not get carried away. My bunker has been reinforced against those tornados and my pantry is fully stocked with provisions!

Do you know where to get some good juice in town? Please email a comment to dcfud.writers@gmail.com,and after a healthy inspection I'll report back!

FUD wants YOU!

The good news is, some of us are over-employed (that's good, right?). Some of us have even moved away from the DC area *gasp* to go to graduate school (not me, I didn't get voted off the island).

But the bad news is a dry spell for the FUD at the moment. So, to
counteract this terrible state of affairs, we are looking for.....

A FEW NEW WRITERS!!
Were you annoyed by a restaurant?
Do you have some random recipes to share?
Have you discovered the best wine or restaurant in DC?
Do you want to write a comparison article for a particular item or dish?
Need some hipster cred? Good, since that is how we are compensated. :)

Then we want you for DCFUD. Send any sort of writing sample to
dcfud.writers@gmail.com, along with a couple ideas you'd like to write
about. It'll be crazy!

Free Pancakes for Charity!

That's right! Tomorrow, February 24, 2004, you can get free pancakes at IHOP, and the rest of your check goes to raise money for sick kids. I mean, if that's not a great excuse to stay up all of tonight dancing and greet the sunrise by cheating on you diet, I don't know what is! There may be other ways to visit IHOP, but that's how I do. Call me nostalgic, I might not not be.

So go get you some sugar, 'cause everybody loves sick ki...err...that came out wrong. You know what I mean.

For those so inclined, you can RSVP for the Facebook event.

Inauguration Day Survival Food

January 20th is less than a week away, and DC food bloggers are thinking about Inauguration Day food. Chowhound readers want breakfast and lunch, Metromix and Express Night Out anticipate ceremonial starvation, and many restaurants are offering specials on the four-day-long weekend holiday.

Nobody knows how many people will pack Washington, or how easy it will be to move around by Metro. No reputable forecasters are predicting the weather yet, but assume it will be cold. DC temperatures are normally between 25 and 45 degrees Fahrenheit (-4 and 7 Celsius) on Inauguration Day, but can get colder. Bear in mind that it snowed 10 inches during Taft's inauguration, and that was in March.

Our advice: Plan for cold and lots of walking; dress and eat accordingly. Wear hiking boots. Eat congee.

DC's Chinatown (or "China Block") is close to the Pennsylvania Avenue parade route and the Mall. Full Kee, while short on elegance, is expeditious and economical. As veterans of two decades of Washington's outdoor MLK Holiday events, we strongly recommend a traditional Chinese breakfast or brunch of Full Kee's congee to ward off January's chill.

Congee, or jook, is hot rice porridge with savory goodies added. Seen those videos of Chinese construction workers climbing swaying scaffolds of bamboo, carrying cinder blocks hundreds of high-rising feet in the air? This is what they had for breakfast. You'll need energy to get through Inauguration Day, too.

Full Kee is a DC institution, and is likely to be busy on the 20th. We hear that Jackey Cafe serves congee, but haven't been there ourselves. Noodle house Chinatown Express (which you know we love) and fave eatery Eat First are said to serve congee, but we usually nosh other goodies there. We'll list other Chinatown or downtown congee outlets here as our neighbors supply the information -- check back for updates. If you want to fortify yourself earlier, cook up congee or jook at home along these lines:

Allrecipes.com

Bitten

eatWashington

Epicurious

Saveur

Full Kee
509 H Street, NW
Washington, D.C. 20001
(202) 371.2233

Jackey Cafe
611 H St NW
Washington, DC 20001
(202) 408-8115

Chinatown Express
746 6th St NW
Washington, DC 20001
(202) 638-0424

Eat First Restaurant
609 H St NW
Washington, DC 20001
(202) 289-1703

The preceding post was submitted by guest blogger Mike Licht. His original entry may be found here. Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

A Little History with Your New Year...

Early January is traditionally a time to pretend like we're going to improve ourselves, and that this year, this year! the diet will stick and we'll keep going to the gym. Not even a week into the new year, and I'm sitting here typing on the computer instead of working out, and pretty unapologetically sipping cheap champagne with my dinner of bacon-fat-fried kale and parsnips mashed with plenty of butter and salt. Oh, and listening to terrible cheezy techno too.

None of which actually relates to my point here, which is examining the origin of another thoroughly unhealthy delicacy - General Tso's Chicken. Well, except maybe learning from history...that's related. Known throughout the United States as that fried, sweet-but-otherwise-indescribable-tasting staple of Chinese carry-out, the dish is (perhaps unsurprisingly) completely unknown in its allegedly native China.

New York Times reporter Jennifer 8. Lee gave a talk at last year's TED Taste3 conference detailing her adventures tracking down the venerable General Tso and considers the commercial and social implications of the dish bearing his name. The talk is absolutely fascinating, and even if you're a vegan diabetic who hates flavor and only eats dried chick peas and broccoli, I highly recommend it.

You can watch the talk, for free, on this page.

(Image courtesy many wiki images and drunken Photoshop endeavors)

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll

Another year, another opportunity to stuff ourselves silly while engaging in time-honored family bickering. I'm not going home this year, so I get to skip (most some a bit of) the bickering, but I still fully intend to eat unreasonable quantities of food. Thing is, I'm being very lazy and not making anything particularly novel this year. So, I figure this is a good time to remind us all of the many wonderful Thanksgiving-themed dishes we've had at DCFüd over the years.

For our first Thanksgiving, ZAF taught us how to be stronger, better people by properly whipping chocolate into shape - shapeless-in-a-bowl shape, to be precise, with her orange-tinged chocolate mousse.

Next, in 2005 it was discovered that some fools don't like turkey. Abetting this horror was Füd alum TCD, who shared some very fancy vegetarian options, puff pastry and all. Just because they're delicious doesn't mean they're a turkey substitute! Shortly thereafter I shared my pecan pie recipe, which I may well be making again this year.

2006 was the year Ray shared insight into his family's possibly demonic celebratory habits, and offered a survival guide for those perhaps similarly condemned, including turkey-cooking guides and alternatives to actually doing any work, or, if your family is like mine and would shun you for not cooking "normal" food, talking to your crazy relatives at all.

In 2007, I shared yet another secret to my record-breaking failure to look like Kate Moss: a fabulous pumpkin-eggnog bread pudding, which is guarantee to make everyone at your table immensely happy. We also had a tasty (and very healthy!) fall pasta, which could serve as a nice accompaniment to any Thanksgiving feast.

And already this year - distressingly out of season but what the hell - YDB taught us how to definitely NOT deep-fry a turkey. If you really must have fried bird this year, try DCist's instructions first. Unless you're evil, in which case just use YDB's.

The List

I would like to your attention over to Thelistareyouonit, a site for DC Area Food, Wine, & Spirit news and events. I just signed up to recieve their email updates.

They have the following event listed for tonight:

Vidalia Hosts Taste of the Nation Recruitment Happy Hour.

Greg's List, and farewell to Zima

I'm sending a shout out the team over at Greg's List for posting all those great happy hours. I attended the Vegetate's 3rd year anniversary party after finding out about it from the list. They have a Media Maven's happy hour posted for tonight. Hmmmmmm.

Vegetate is a vegetarian restaurant, and the happy hour included complimentary wine and appetizers (including cornbread with celery puree, and bbq seitan). The event also included an art exhibition (spanning all three floors),

In other news:

Despite its 65% approval rating (when being compared to GLUE), MillerCoors discontinued Zima a couple of weeks ago. If you have any left in your pad...break out the Jolly Ranchers. :)

Pod Cafe

I recently stayed at the pod hotel in NYC (midtown east). The room had bunk beds, and a sink but no toilet/shower...but it was affordable and nice enough. Mainly, the place was filled with young European tourists.

The Pod has a cafe with indoor (the lobby) and outdoor seating and a European style cafe menu. You don't have to stay at the hotel to eat here.

We were at the cafe for breakfast. The portions were small but sufficient (we each had an entree and we split a dessert, the food is good, and the prices are reasonable. I had the smoked salmon on a bagel with capers, onion tomato and cream cheese ($7.50) and pan au chocolate ($3.50), a French pastry w/chocolate in it). My dining partner had organic yogurt with granola & wildflower honey and berries ($6.50). they also serve various kinds of fruit (prosciutto and melon, strawberries and cream, bruleed grapefruit, fruit bowl), and a couple of other pastries (croissants and sticky buns).

Oh, we did figure out that we were walking distance from Pinkberry and Buttercup Bakery. :)

Here is the hotels info (from their website):

"The Pod Hotel New York.
230 E 51st St
New York, NY 10022
(212) 355-0300

There's a Pod for every person, and an endless range of possibilities. You can set your music and your mood with our iPod docking stations and our dimmer control lighting system, plug into the Internet with free WiFi access, and catch your favorite shows on LCD TVs. Each Pod is climate controlled and equipped with efficient, stylish furniture that's designed to maximize your comfort and your living space."

Wasabi-Ginger WHAT? (yes, please...)

I love wasabi. I love ginger. Each of these things alone are enough to pique my interest, and their combination almost always delivers agreeably. I recently made wasabi-ginger beef (marinate sukiyaki-cut beef in mirin, wasabi, and ginger for an hour, then fry in same), and am forever dumping wasabi and/or ginger on things just to brighten them up.

I'm a big fan of ginger ice cream, and I did in fact like wasabi ice cream the one time I found it. Consequently you might imagine my joy at discovering these: Wasabi-ginger Lollipops. Expensive? Yes. Perhaps unreasonably, except for the fact that they are wasabi-ginger lollipops.

Sharp and not too sweet, I admit I'd have liked a bit more wasabi flavor (as opposed to heat), but I wouldn't not gobble them up. If, for instance, someone deigned to send me a box.

How To Complain

Is your chicken raw and your hotpot cold? Does your waiter smell like last week's mackerel? Unacceptable! You are paying for a nice meal, and that's what you should get. If you're not getting it, you ought to complain. For that to help though, you must do so effectively, and that means politely. And who's better at being polite than the British?

We know, we know, DC is in America, not Britain, where we prefer to be loud and demanding. And a bit (ok, a lot) rude. The thing is, just like in international politics, this does not often produce the best results. You want to voice your complaint, but you also want a fair solution, and even more, you want to make sure the restaurant can learn from its mistakes - and not repeat them!

All that said, here is a video guide (by some Brits) on how to complain, politely and effectively, at a restaurant.

FUD wants YOU!

The good news is, some of us are over-employed (that's good, right?). Some of us have even moved away from the DC area *gasp* to go graduate school.

But the bad news is a dry spell for the FUD at the moment. So, to
counteract this terrible state of affairs, we are looking for.....

A FEW NEW WRITERS!!
Were you annoyed by a restaurant?
Do you have some random recipes to share?
Have you discovered the best wine in DC?
Do you need some hipster cred? Good, since that is how we are compensated. :)

Then we want you for DCFUD. Send any sort of writing sample to
dcfud.writers@gmail.com, along with a couple ideas you'd like to write
about. It'll be crazy!

Foodgeek Episode Three

Speaking of teevee and celebrities: DCFüd's roving food critic Jason has been ... roving around Arlington, as is his habit, and is again caught on film. The Foodgeek continues his quest to learn and share everything about the food scene in those suburban tracts, he visited the Santa Fe Cafe and talked with its owner Kip Laramie.

For those with no access to Channel 25 in Arlington (I mean, really what are you, a barbarian?!), you can watch it here.

So You Wanna Be A Food Celebrity?

Here's your chance! The Food Network is holding auditions for the 5th season of its show, "The Next Food Network Star," on Friday, Oct. 3rd at the International Culinary School at The
Art Institute of Washington. They say they won't know who they're looking for until they see them, and you could be just perfect! They would, however, like you to have:

· Cooking Know-How: You can be self-taught or professionally trained or somewhere in between, BUT YOU MUST HAVE FOOD KNOWLEDGE!!

· Personality that Pops: Do people often tell you that you have the charisma and personality to have your own cooking show?

· Teaching Skills: Do you teach at culinary school or maybe a cooking class and want to bring those teaching skills to the next level? Do you have a clear point of view on food and want to teach America about it?

If you do (or even if you can just pretend like it really well), you might win! They'll be doing call-backs the next day. Here's the application:NFNS-Season5-application.pdf

Friday, October 3rd, 2008- 10am-3pm
The International Culinary School at The Art Institute of Washington
1820 North Fort Myer Drive,
Arlington, VA 22209
For more information, e-mail NFNS5DC *at* yahoo *d0t* c0m.
For more information, consult their web site.

Circular Publicity

It does feel odd publicizing a publicist, but those of you who want to know what is happening in the local restaurant scene can check out The Latest Dish. It will tell you about openings, closings, events, chefs on the move, etcetera.

I've been keeping my eye on The Latest Dish for a while, and I know they've been reading DCFUD. I remember being at a food-related event about a year ago and being told (by one of LRPR's employees) that the link to my name on DCFUD did not work. And...there I was thinking I was anonymous. :)

Cooking Tips for Guys, Part I

Summer is here and real American men know what to do: watch baseball on TV, because it's just too friggin' hot at the ballpark, especially if you're not from the Dominican Republic like all those rich pro ballplayers.

It's also when real American men are expected to generate Code Orange air quality days by immolating meat in the backyard. Any pantywaist metrocurian can use those SUV-sized natural gas, electric, or gelignite-powered barbecue grills with all the fancy features (good subwoofers do help spread the sauce evenly, though). Nah, let's get ready to deep-fry some turkey.

1. Put Fire Department on Speed-Dial. Keep your cell phone in your welding apron pocket. It is unwise to enter a flaming residence to use the telephone.

2. Purchase more equipment. You can never have enough real guy outdoor cooking gear. Buy some new stuff at Home Depot first. Don't bother with those electronic gizmos at Leading Edge; you can never read the LCD screens outdoors anyway. Williams-Sonoma? Isn't that the California wine the wife likes?

3. Don't forget the turkey. Make sure it is big enough to bother with. Double-check to make sure you are not buying a goat or lamb.

4. Check interior compartment of poultry (note: light does not go on automatically; use Maglite). Any paper-wrapped parcels inside do not contain Surprise Creme Filling. Remove; give to wife or cat. If the bird is frozen, use your Benz-0-Matic torch judiciously or the meat will be dry. At this point you may marinate the turkey in any fluid mixture as long as it contains beer.

5. Equipment check list. This will vary but should definitely include safety equipment (welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses, fire extinguisher, cell phone, well-stocked beer cooler or full beer keg with ice), fire ignition tools (lighting chimney, matches, flamethrower, etc.), food manipulating tools (tongs, skewers, forks, knives, meat thermometers, meat hygrometers, count-down timer, 55-gallon deep-fry container, perforated deep-fry container insert with turkey stand and handle, caulking gun for stuffing insertion, brushes, airbrushes, and hypodermic needles for applying sauce, tattoo gun for decorations), deep-fry medium (vegetable oil is better than animal fat; Marvel Mystery Oil is not recommended), sauces, rubs, marinades, condiments and spices, and some essential vegetables (potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup). Anything missing? See Step #2. Hot and sweaty? See Step #2 (the shopping mall is air-conditioned) or begin beer consumption.

6. Check fuel supply. Make sure you have enough. Charcoal briquettes add a certain piquancy, but for even more petro-chemical taste and aroma soak your wood, charcoal, or bitumen in charcoal starter, napalm, or even gasoline (to hell with the expense). Do not add gasoline to burning fires or glowing coals, even if you feel you have protected yourself by consuming sufficient beer.

7. Ignite fire. Don welding apron, Kevlar™ gloves, safety glasses; if you are Caucasian, reverse baseball cap. Apply flame to fuel and accelerant, then extinguish eyebrows and flip-flops. If you are cooking over a gas burner or using an electric deep-fryer, get medical treatment for low testosterone level immediately. Remember to consume enough beer to keep cool.

8. Ensure that your annoying neighbor is downwind of your fire. Give the jerk something real to grumble about. He won't complain to you, though -- no real American guy would embarrass himself like that or disrespect the sacred nature of male outdoor cooking. If he complains, report the wimp to the authorities as an illegal alien terrorist and/or sexual deviant. Continue consuming beer to keep cool.

9. Cook. Allow fire to settle into glowing coals before using crane to hoist container of cooking oil over grill or burner. If you have been too impatient to allow fire to settle into glowing coals, extinguish oil fire and repeat. While waiting for fire to settle into glowing coals, prepare turkey by sprinkling it with salt, pepper, and/or the Deep-Fried Turkey Sprinkle you probably bought at Home Depot, and/or brush, air-brush or inject that Home Depot Deep-Fried Turkey Sauce. Remember to leave room in the oil container for turkey and perforated container to displace hot oil; if you forget, extinguish oil fire and repeat Step #9. Consume beer to replenish vital fluids and keep cool.

10. Remove turkey when done.The Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness Formula is simply Time = (weight of turkey) ß/Σ (altitude)2. Remember to adjust for actual air pressure and the specific gravity of your particular oil medium. If you think of turkey weight in kilos, knock on some doors and get a real American to help you. You can calculate Deep-Fried Turkey Doneness more easily with a meat thermometer: remove turkey ten minutes after meat thermometer melts. Alternative method: turkey is done when a 200-pound American male cook has consumed 216 fluid ounces (one gallon, five-and-a-half pints) of beer (caution: if you think of this as 6.39 liters, see above).

11. Allow turkey to drain and cool before eating. Do not blot with shop rags (these often contain metal shavings and will ruin dinner) or those little finger towels in the guest bathroom (using those for anything is grounds for divorce).

12. Call KFC. What the hell; a good time was had by all. Need a cold one?

Disclaimer: The above is provided for amusement, not actual cooking. NotionsCapital is not responsible for interpretations by the humor-impaired, mentally-challenged, or emotionally-disturbed. If English is not your native tongue, please ignore this post. Yes, we are aware that people are injured while improperly deep-frying turkeys and that consuming deep-fried foods is not considered healthy, so keep it to yourself. Jeez, what a country.

The preceding post was submitted by guest blogger Mike Licht. His original entry may be found here.

The Five Paragraph Bitter Food Critic Will Not Be Molli-Coddled

Have you ever tried something new just because the packaging looked interesting? I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm American, have some disposable income, and am easily distracted by bright, pretty things.

At least, that's my excuse for trying out MolliCoolz yesterday, and I'm sticking with it. I was not particularly hungry for ice cream, nor was I even trying to feed a sweet tooth. I was simply walking down the frozen foods aisle, minding my own business, when *BAM* I saw a bunch of ice cream beads staring at me.

I was intrigued. These MolliCoolz looked like Dippin' Dots - Ice Cream of the Future! - but I didn't have to go to a theme park, mall or baseball stadium to get them. What struck me was the packaging - pre-wrapped individual serving sizes in a small plastic tub, or four of the tubs wrapped together. The tub is transparent, so you can see the brightly colored beads. The ice cream looked like fun, like a dairy-based fireworks display. The store had five flavors available, and while I'd given MolliCoolz a small glance before, they had never held my attention like this. I picked up the Cookies and Cream and Banana Split flavors, giving in to the temptation.

Where was the Good Angel, sitting on my shoulder, telling me "No Five! Bad Five! Don't Do It!" when I needed him? It's not that MolliCoolz are bad, per se, they're just not good. The cookie beads were a bland chocolate, and the vanilla beads were mediocre at best. The banana beads reminded me of driving past the petroleum domes near New York City on the Turnpike - tasteless and vaguely chemically.

MolliCoolz are definitely targeted towards the "spoiled rotten elementary school kid with over-indulgent and easily-manipulated-through-guilt parents" demographic. Anybody who is a big fan of small-batch ice creams and custards, like Gifford's, The Dairy Godmother, Thomas Sweet's or Ben and Jerry's, will be put off by the strange DuPont-esque taste. Little kids, who adore such wax-loaded candies like Nerds and GummiWorms, will love it.

***************************************************************************************************
MolliCoolz earn 4 out of 10 Whammies! Whammies! were earned by being fairly affordable (4 single-serving tubs for 5 bucks at Giant), colorful, interesting, and being portion-controlled. I like the idea of a nutritional label being able to accurately indicate the calorie, sugar and carb counts for the entire package. However, it lost six Whammies! because it took me six bucks worth of soda, water and toothpaste to get the bland taste out of my mouth.
***************************************************************************************************

Foodgeek Episode Two

"A segment of our magazine show, "Here/now". Our roving food critic, Jason Foodgeek, takes in the Taste of Arlington festival." - AVN

"So, there you have it...me eating my way across the Taste of Arlington Festival. I ate way too much that day (enjoying every minute of it), and most of it didn't make it into the segment. *belch*" -Jason

Here is the link to the video for those of you who didn't catch it on channel 25 in Arlington:

Watch it.

It's Cobbler time!

Tarara Vineyard's Blackberry Days Wine Festival (in Leesburg, VA) is quickly approaching (August 2nd and 3rd). Several years ago I used their berries and cobbler recipe to make an easy dessert. I've been using the recipe (with various enhancements) through the years.

The last couple of years I have been tart cherry picking at Homestead Farm (in Poolesville, MD)...and tart cherry cobblers (that are made with fresh cherries) are truly delicious and my favorite. I've made the cobblers with peaches, nectarines, apples, and various berries.

My last cherry picking trip at was at Homestead was a couple of weeks ago. Right now, the farm is probably nearing the end of cherry season and the beginning of blackberry season. They will have peaches, nectarines, and raspberries later in the summer.

The recipe follows:

Mix and sift a cup of flour (I now use 1/2 whole wheat organic flour) with a cup of sugar and 2 teaspoons baking powder.

I sometimes add a little amaretto liqueur or real vanilla extract (I use Madagascar vanilla) or cinnamon (I use good quality cinnamon from a spice store) to the batter.

And, now you have something to bring to your 4th of July picnic.

I sometimes top it with ice cream, or frozen yogurt.

Texas, NASA, and Bhutan...the new combo!

This year, the Smithsonian Folklife Festival's themes are Bhutan, NASA, and Texas.

The festival is on right now now through Sunday and 7/2-7/6. The Smithsonian website describes this year's themes:

"Bhutan: Land of the Thunder Dragon
Celebrating Bhutan's special approach towards life in the 21st century

Texas: A Celebration of Music, Food, and Wine
Exploring a dynamic and creative society, built upon rich natural resources, thriving cosmopolitan cities and engaging rural landscapes"

On the food side:

Texas:
"...see demonstrations of wine making; enjoy diverse culinary traditions, old and new, from barbeque to Vietnamese soups, from kolach making to chicken fried steak."

Bhutan:

"Since the Festival is intended to be as experiential as possible, cooking demonstrations and conversations about Bhutanese foodways will also take place. This is an important aspect of contemporary culture and gives insight into home and farm life."

Nasa will have a "food lab" covering topics such as creating menus for space, packaging food for space, and planning for the moon and mars.

They will only be be selling food from two of the three exhibit areas. NASA is the exception, so don't expect any Space Food. Freeze-dried icecream or Orange Tang, anyone?

Click here for the Festival Menu! This year's food vendors are Indique Hieghts, Capital Q, La Mexicana Bakery, and Asian Grille. This sure sounds good:

Nakey Tshoem
Chicken (shredded), fiddleheads, cheese, chiles, onion, garlic, ginger, and special seasonings served with Bhutanese rice.

Free Iced Coffee TODAY!!!

That's right kids - Today, May 15 between 10 AM and 10 PM you can get a free iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.

We all like free things. We all need coffee. What more need you know?

Food for Good

Remember everyone - today is Dining Out for Life day: going out for lunch or dinner at participating restaurants around DC today gets critical money donated to Food+Friends, an organization which delivers food to people who are too ill to get their own.

It's a great charity, and another excuse to eat out for lunch (and dinner!) is never a bad thing.

Florida Ave. Grill Brings Home Gold

It's probably not the recognition the gourmet gurus following Roberto Donna's brief Iron chef career are looking for, but fans of the Florida Avenue Grill will be thrilled to know that it won a spot in the Details magazine's Best Breakfasts in America list. The reviewers noted the classic, Southern-inspired fare and de rigeur employee sass as winners in the cross-country round-up. I love the place, so this recognition just validates and makes me happy!

Florida Avenue Grill
1100 Florida Ave. NW,
Washington, DC 20009
202-265-1586

Move Over Five Guys. There's a New Burger Around

From the fun gadget and technology website Gizmag.com, here's an invention that may permanently leave a greasy stain the fabric of the Universe: The Cheeseburger in a Can

The Europeans are once again taking the lead in burger technology. How can we as Americans stand by and remain idle while our counterparts across the Pond continue to push the boundaries of the modern meat patty? What was our last major breakthrough, the McDLT? We can't let the Germans show us how to perfect our national food that we so blatantly stole from them!

Somebody should do something about that.

A frugal way to take someone to dinner and give them flowers!

Take a look at the current Restaurant.com promotion.

They are offering 70% off the price of their restaurant certificates w/code COUNTDOWN. $25 certificates end up being $3 w/the discount. In addition to the discount, you may get a $15 deLaFlowers Gift Certificate with your order through 12/31. I've written about their promotions previously, but the certificate for flowers is new.

Make sure to read the restrictions for each certificate.

Cooking Classes at Zengo

I know, I know, you're sick of being told to buy diamonds and Lexuses as Christmas presents. If you really love him, you'll buy him a Lexus SUV with big bow on top! if you really love her, you'll be buying her not one but SEVERAL diamonds arranged from smallest to largest, and asking your small children to pretend they don't know what a wishbone is!

The truth is, if you REALLY love someone, you ought to consider sending them to Zengo for a Latin-Asian fusion cooking class. (No one is paying me to say this, so listen.) These single-session classes, which start in January, will give students hands-on experience with balancing Latin and Asian flavors. They'll learn how to do a proper margarita, which is both elegant in its simplicity and kind of a bitch to get right (so they'll be encouraged to make and drink a LOT of margaritas), and how to roll their own sushi. Rolling sushi was the best part of a highly entertaining and delicious class, and your friend will be so pleased with the way she rolls that she'll walk out there planning a sushi-rolling party, to which you are sure to be invited. Score one for you!

Classes will be held on the last Monday of every month starting in January, from 7 to 9 p.m. at Zengo (781 Seventh Street NW). $64 per person, including tax.

Department of Redundancy Department

British high-end grocery chain Waitrose offers a list of the top 100 moments in food history. While definitely being a bit Anglo-centric, many of their selections would rank similarly here on this side of the pond. Hard to deny the staying power of sandwiches, farming and forks.

Couple of things caught my eye - I had no idea that an Iowan created the automatic bread slicer. I lived in that state for three years, yet they seem more proud of Tom Arnold from Ottumwa and John Wayne of Winterset than Otto Frederick Rohwedder of Davenport. Also, who knew that Piggly Wiggly was the first modern supermarket?

Patient and observant readers will note that this is a 99-item list. Apparently American students aren't the only ones falling behind in math.

Tony Bordain's speaks at Olsson's today

Tony will talk about his book, "No Reservations" at Olsson's Books & Records (202) 638-7610) at 418 Seventh St. NW today at noon.

Every Meal Counts

I have long been a fan of Tyler Cowen's site, so today's talk sounds interesting. A friend passed this email on to me, and I am -of course- sharing it with you...

You are invited to a free book talk on "Every Meal Counts: How to Find the Best Food in Washington, D.C." by Tyler Cowen, author of Discover Your Inner Economist: Use Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist, on Tuesday, October 30, 2007, at 6:30 p.m. in the first floor auditorium of the Cleveland Park Branch of the DC Public Library, 3310 Connecticut Ave., N.W.

Mr. Cowen is also the author of an online guide to "Ethnic Dining in Washington, D.C." A book sale and signing courtesy of the Trover Shop will follow the program. Free to the public; no reservations required. For further information, call the Cleveland Park Library at 202/282-3080.

Sprouting

Winter is coming. And if you're anything like me, that means that the color will all drain out of your life, leaving you a sad withered husk of the once-vibrant person you usually are. My most recent solution? Growing sprouts on the kitchen counter. Having something green and growing helps one stave off the SAD. As an added bonus, the quickest sprouts will grow in three days, giving you a much-need boost of almost-instantaneous gratification.

Growing sprouts at home not only gives you the satisfaction of eating them for literally pennies but you can also turn up your nose at the Yes!/Whole Foods/Eastern Market/Giant/Safeway/military/industrial complex.

The pictures show mung beans (59 cents at the Asian Market) which are the same sprouts used in all your favorite pan-Asian stir-fries. Though you can eat them straight up, I prefer to cook with them. If you're looking for something a little more direct-to-the-sandwich, you can sprout alfalfa, brassica (anything in the broccoli family), or mustard. Even the biggest dried legumes can be sprouted, including lentils, dried peas, and dried chick peas. Be sure to pick only the most-complete kernels if you go this route: I had one batch of dried peas go terribly wrong because only about 50% were undamaged enough to actually sprout.

The super-market-beatingest part about this is the drop-dead simplicity. You put in about three minutes of set up time, then 30 seconds a day for a couple of days and mother nature does all the heavy lifting.

First: get yourself a jar. I use a wide-mouthed mason jar because I had one hanging around. That's science. Next, fashion a breathable top that will allow water entry and egress, but still holds your sprouts in. I use cheesecloth, which is perfect since you can just screw the jar lid over it. You are now prepared to buy seeds. On my first-ever attempt, I sprouted alfalfa from a seed envelope I bought at Fragers. Once you've gotten hard core you too can order specialty blends from organic farmers growing happy healthy seeds in California. Part of the fun is buying tablespoons of different random seeds from your local bulk-purchase location and seeing which sprout and how fast.

Once you have the seeds, bung them in the container and soak them in tap water for 8-12 hours. The next morning, drain and rinse them once or twice until the water runs clear. Drain a final time, throw a towel over the container so that no light enters, and run off to do the million other things the day requires. Over the next couple of days repeat the rinse-and-drain cycle once in the morning and once at night.

One day you'll realize that the sprouts are the exact size you want them. Leave them uncovered to green up in the pallid winter sunlight (it doesn't take much light to fire up their little chloroplasts). After that, eat them with abandon. Whatever you don't eat out of hand can be transfered into a baggie and thrown in the fridge. They'll keep for about two weeks I'm told, although mine have never avoided predation so long!

This was written by guest Füddite EJG.

For the Bacontarian in you!

I know there must be plenty of Bacontarians reading DCFUD. For you hearty folks, I would like to draw your attention to one of my favorite t-shirt designs, from Dieselsweeties!

Apparently bacon and eggplant is a good combination - for clothing. :)

The Five Paragraph Bitter Wedding Food Critic

As my lifelong friend Joe drove away with his new bride Kassy on Saturday, so ended my "Season of Taffeta." Four weddings and a bachelor party in Vegas, all compacted in the past seven weekends. Combined with my ongoing project of helping a friend shoot a little indie flick on the Eastern Shore and helping my mom move to Phoenix, Arizona, I haven't had much time to dine the way I'd like. You know...with table service. Servers without nametags and flair. Menus that don't have backlighting and value meals. Without getting smooshed between great aunt Hilda and flatulent uncle Marty at table number 8 asking me "why ain't choo married yet?"

Still, I can't complain too much - there are positives abound with so many weddings. My friends are demonstrating their love and commitment. There's usually a lot of food and drinks. Bridesmaids are usually attractive. Aunt Hilda and uncle Marty reaffirmed my decision to avoid all family reunions. And I learned things that will come in handy should I decide to get married, or put in a bid for that mail order Russian bride.

1) Caterers at a wedding should always have one vegan/vegetarian dish. No matter how carnivoiristic the bride and groom may be, there's always at least one person who won't eat the chicken or the fish. It's a nice gesture, and veggie options are often cheap.

2) Open bars are all well and good, but the bar should not be the only place to get drinks, especially at a reception with lots of young children. The smartest thing I've seen in a while was a "Kid's Drink Stand" where they could mix and match their favorite flavors for juices and waters, and let the adults have the bar to themselves.

3) Wedding cakes may be gorgeous, but they are simply not practical. Tiered cakes can be messy, difficult to move and store, and require a dedicated cake cutter after the initial bride and groom slice. Some people want big pieces of cake, others just want a little bit with extra frosting. To eliminate that hassle, do what Joe and Kassy did, as pictured above: wedding cupcakes and canollis. Minimal mess, easy storage, and ready-made serving sizes.

************************************************************************
The 5PBWC gives 8 Whammies! to the weddings I went to this fall. 2 Whammies! for each groom being level-headed, 2 Whammies! for each bride not morphing into Bridezilla, 2 Whammies! for tasteful bridesmaids' dresses, and 2 Whammies! for each open bar, because, frankly, I wasn't interested in juice.
************************************************************************

Scandinavian Drinks, People, and Music; You Know You Want To Come!

It's time to dance to Abba and drink Icelandic Beer. Where? At Hej Hej, of course.

Join our favorite DJs at Hej Hej tonight, Tuesday, September 25th, for a night of Scandinavian pop & rock.

Where: Gate 54 @ Cafe Saint-Ex
When: 10 PM - close
Cover? No cover!

DJs Natalya and Melissa spin music from Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Finland and Denmark including The Concretes * Shout Out Louds, The Raveonettes * The Knife * Jens Lekman * Peter Bjorn & John * Annie * Bjork * The Hives * Tigerbombs * The Lovekevins * Figurines * and many more.

Drink specials on Viking beer and Reyka vodka all night!

Check out the Hej Hej site at www.hejhejmusic.com and come on out tonight.

We'll see you all there!

You know you want to be the next Myspace...uh...TVFN star!

Cmon...you know you want to upload an audition tape to TVFN's Next Food Network Star Myspace Page!

I wonder if they will like my concept for "Dumpster Diving Cooking"? ;) Ok...maybe not!

Hej Hej: Norwegian Vodka and Swedish Bands

Where are you going tonight? To Hej Hej, of course.

Tonight is a very special Hej Hej with a performance by The Lovekevins from Malmo, Sweden. This is the band's only U.S. show outside New York.

DC 9 (1940 9th St. NW)
Doors: 9:00 PM / 21 + / $8

Drink specials: Vikingfjord vodka

Check out the Hej Hej site at www.hejhejmusic.com and come on out tonight.

And check out all the love they got from the Express today, too.

We'll see you all there!

The Five Paragraph Bitter Food Critic vs. Elvis' World

I never thought I had much in common with Lindsay Lohan.

She's a young Hollywood starlet and pop star, better known for her hard-partying, relapses into rehab, ever-changing breast size, spectacular rise and fall, and for showing her birth canal to pretty much every actor, athlete and paprazzi in California. I'm more of a brokedown former disc jockey and comedian who couldn't wait to sell out to Corporate America for a stable paycheck. As far as I know, she's done more drugs than a Rick James' groupie, and the hardest thing I've smoked is turkey. But her song "Me vs. The World" from the Freaky Friday soundtrack speaks to me. Well, it doesn't technically speak because I've never heard it, and couldn't pick it out in a police lineup. I just found the lyrics online, and thought "I had no idea I could relate to young Lindsay's plight."

See, "The World" in my case is Reese's. The loveable brand from our friendly neighbors to the North, Hershey (if not the best corporate citizens), has finally released a limited edition Elvis tribute Reese's Cup - Peanut Butter and Banana Creme. One of his favorite treats was fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. As I have resolved to eat healthier and exercise more, and been doing a fine job of it, these little chocolatey bastards could be my undoing. As a kid, my mom preferred that I ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches, getting at least some vitamins and potassium from the banana slices, benefits absent in most jellies. When mom found these new Elvis cups, she thought it would be nice reminder of my childhood. They're not bad, either, as I was afraid the banana would be too artificial, too overpowering. But the banana flavor is just enough to complement the traditional chocolate/peanut butter balance of a Reese's. One of the few "Limited Editions" that I like.

Plus, this has a picture of Elvis on the package. And it's not like that cop-out Young Elvis versus Old Elvis stamp debacle, either. You can find these with Young Athletic Elvis, Hawaiian Shirt Elvis, and, my favorite, Old Elvis. It's clearly Fat Elvis in all his early 1970s Vegas coked-out jumpsuit glory, maybe not quite as bloated and rambling, but it's clear he's baked... much like Mlle. Lohan.

This limited edition run is hitting stores throughout the region now. Dollar General Stores seem to be a reliable place to find them, though they seem to be allergic to putting a store within the Beltway. If you see them, please share in the comments. Let others find their inner Elvis. Hopefully, Mojo Nixon's vision of Elvis being everywhere can be realized.

****************************************************************************************************************
Elvis Reese's Cups get 18 Whammies!, one for each of The King's U.S. number one hits on the pop singles chart.

Thanks to The Junk Food Blog and Candyblog.
****************************************************************************************************************

The Internet Makes Me Hungry

Seriously. The printers were down at my work today, which pretty much meant I had nothing to do; so I was surfing the internet. And I found many magical things, many horrible things, and many things that really looked delicious. One in particular, but I think my current vague attempt at a diet may also contribute to how strongly it appeals to me.

Chuao Chocolatier's ChocoPod Picante. I mean, seriously: chocolate, Cabernet, caramel, and chilies...yes please! Sadly, I am currently short one (or more) wealthy benefactor(s) who would buy me such delicacies (that whole make a billion dollars as a public health researcher plan has *so* not panned out). Has anyone tried them? Does anyone want to fly me out to California so I can try them in their native habitat?

Skillz on da Grillz

Back in the days of Reaganomics, console televisions and acid-washed jeans, a young comic by the name of Eddie Murphy entertained crowds with his hilarious bit about "Uncle Gus" taking over the family's summer cookout. Many of our younger readers may know Eddie Murphy as the loveable star of such family-friendly, mostly unfunny films like The Nutty Professor and Doctor Doolittle, or as the voice of the plucky sidekick "Donkey" in the Shrek trilogy. But back in those early years, Eddie Murphy was a potty-mouthed smart aleck who dropped more f-bombs than a "Big Lebowski/Pulp Fiction" double feature in an unfortunately-named Austrian town catered by a wonderfully-named Vietnamese restaurant in Del Ray. In Murphy's star-making concert film "Delirious," Eddie's Uncle Gus knows how to start a fire, not with lighter fluid, but with gasoline. He instructs his young nephew to go chop down that tree in lieu of charcoal. Stand back. Mushroom cloud. Roll around in the dirt, Eddie, those flames will go out. Uncle Gus then gets chewed out by Eddie's dad for giving the poor kid 30-degree burns after making a fire large enough to cook brontosaurus burgers. Shortly thereafter, Aunt Bunny fell down the steps, and Uncle Gus's grill mistakes are forgotten.

Most of us are not blessed with a huge backyard to host cookouts in the summer or nephews to cut down trees, and few get the practice needed to get reliable results from the grill. So, much like Jim in American Pie, you've only got once chance with the hot foreign exchange student. Don't blow it. Here are some tips to work a solid grill, using song titles to help you out.

1) "This Fire" - Franz Ferdinand - A charcoal grill can be harder to use than an auctioneer with a hair lip. Step one: Don't be Uncle Gus. Gas is for cars, not cows. When using charcoal, read the specific instructions for the brand you purchased. Burn-in-bags don't need additional starter fluid, and your food will taste like you grilled on the Exxon Valdez if you add some. Most charcoal briquettes need 15 to 30 minutes of soaking in fluid, though some require a little more. Arranging the coals in a small pyramid not only salutes our Mayan and Egyptian ancestors, but allows for the briquettes to get hot enough to ensure a long-lasting fire. Once the coals have been burning for 15 to 20 minutes, you can rearrange the coals with long metal tongs to make a flatter heating surface.

And for the love of Pete, use a long-stem match or wick to light the fire. Countless 3rd-degree burns are caused every year by somebody trying to start a grill using a Zippo and bad reflexes.

2) "Cooking with Gas" - Nation of Ulysses - You don't need to be post-punk or Hank Hill to understand the benefits of propane and propane accessories. Most gas grills have automatic lighters, and you can adjust the temperature with a handy dial. However, many people don’t pay attention to tank maintenance and the condition of the hose. Those should be adjusted before starting a cookout, or else your place could burn down faster than the Alpha Beta house at Adams College.

3) "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes"- Various Artists - Like anybody who's been to a Jimmy Buffett concert, there's all sorts of smoke, and that smoke can change your mood. You can use smoke to change the flavors of your food. Adding some water-soaked mesquite chips to your charcoal can give your food a hearty southwestern flavor, and some hickory chips can give you a taste straight from the hills of Tennessee. If you're fortunate enough to have access to a smoker (the cooking equipment, not some dude with Marlboros), you can make some traditional barbecue by using the indirect heat to slow-cook anything into a delicious state of tenderness and flavor.

4) "Struttin' With Some Barbecue" - Louis Armstrong - Satchmo looked a man who enjoyed his barbecue. Your guests will enjoy yours if keep a check on that temperature. A fire that's too hot will burn the outside of your food while the inside's raw. If you don't have a thermometer, try this technique: hold your hand about six inches over the fire. If you can hold it there for 3 to 4 seconds, you and your fire should be fine. That's about 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Any less than 3 seconds indicates the flame is too hot, so you can just let it burn itself down a bit, or spray some water mist on the coals. Any more than 4 seconds means the flame is too cool, and your food will take a long time to cook.

Just like regular indoor cooking, the less you touch the food, the more flavor it retains. Steaks, burgers, ribs, chops - those should be flipped once or twice tops. Chicken, turkey, game - those can only be flipped once or twice, but I prefer to err on the side of caution with them. Potatoes, corn, eggplant, squash, pineapple - all taste great on the grill, and can give a simple, yet unique touch to your cookout. A brick oven isn't much different than a grill. Both can be used to make fantastic pizzas.

Also, don't use any chemically-treated wood, like firestarter logs or plywood for a cookout. Some of that is treated with arsenic, handy for killing bugs and French generals. Stick with bags of hickory, mesquite or applewood from your local grocery, hardware or barbecue store. Do not use leftover wood from your new deck. Also, don't use your old deck, either.

5) "Hot Sauce" - Thomas Dolby - Those roadside barbecue shacks sell ribs, brisket and pulled meats, and never filets, sirloins or prime ribs. Many of them sell bottles of their sauce and spices. That's because the best barbecue is generally made from the cheapest meats, and a fair amount of seasoning and sauce helps bring out the flavor. I prefer to get sauces and spice rubs that are affiliated with restaurants - Rockland's sauce is much better than any store brand, and most stores in the area carry some products from Stubb's in Austin, Texas; Sticky Fingers from Memphis, Tennessee, or even Gates in Kansas City, Missouri. A good rub and sauce combo from one of these places is a guaranteed home run.

Hope this helps you tap your inner Raichlen.

Gourmet Girls Happy Hour

As if I don't talk your e-ears off about this already: Gourmet Girls is my collective dinner party group. Every month, we gather in one of our kitchens and cook a complicated, multi-course meal together, learning how to prepare each dish in between sips (and sometimes glugs) of wine. (That was us in the Washington
Post a few weeks ago.) If this sounds like fun to you, and you're interested in being a part of a Gourmet Girls group in DC, come to Happy Hour at Ceiba (701 14th Street NW) from 6-8 on Tuesday, June 12th. (Look in the bar, hee. )

Sniffing out happy hours!

Schnozbot is a list of DC Area happy hour specials. It can be searched by area or day of the week. It includes food specials like free paella at La Tasca on Fridays, and the wing nights at Rockbottom on Mondays and Hard Times Cafe on Wednesdays. Some wings would smell good about now! :)

Hej Hej: May 22

Where should you be tomorrow night?

Enjoying a nice Viking beer at D.C.'s best Scandinavian D.J. night, of course.

Check out Hej Hej, DJed by our own DJ Natalya and DCFUD-friend DJ Melissa, who also writes excellent food reviews for the Washington Blade. There will be lots of cool Swedish, Finnish, Norwegian, Danish, and Icelandic music that we've never heard of but is all very good and very dance-able.

And, even better, there will be drink specials on Reyka vodka. How can you say no?

So come to Cafe Saint Ex, downstairs, on Tuesday, May 22 at 10 pm.

We'll be there. You should be, too.

Tricked Out Kitchen Appliances

As a professional chef, I'm affiliated with a number of organizations that send me all sorts of offers. Today I got one that I could not resist posting here. In the past, I've posted articles about how to shop for, use, and get the most out of various kitchen appliances. Today, I found out that there's a growing industry dedicated to making appliances more visually interesting. I thought it might be a good idea to highlight some of these as I find some examples.

I always recommend that people who do a lot of cooking or baking seriously consider buying a KitchenAid Stand Mixer. They're more expensive than other stand mixers, but they weather all sorts of abuse, and will most likely outlive your kitchen. Originally, they were only produced in white and black, but now, they come in all sorts of colours, and sizes. What's the one thing that's missing? Flames. Hey, some people trick out their cars, and flame them out, why not their kitchen appliances? These decals are custom made, and are sold over the Internet. They have a web site, and stores on Amazon and eBay. You know you want it. All the cool kids have one...

Jose Andres Fan club

What excuse do we have for including two Jose Andres posts in a week? The only other item to ever receive this sort of coverage is that delicious yellow packet, Splenda; How do you like that Andres, you're competing with a chemical with a structure similar to DDT.

But down to business. This Sunday:

There will be a viewing party at Jaleo Crystal City on Sunday, April 1, 8 pm. Call (703) 413-8181 for reservations if that's your (artificially sweetened) cup of tea.

Seasoning Cast Iron - So easy your mom can do it

Well, not your mom; she probably uses those '60's aluminum pans. But your Grandma could probably do it. There's a lot your grandma could do that you haven't asked about.

Cast iron is easy to maintain, easy to cook with, and dirt cheap. If you aren't using it it's probably because someone has fed you a line about seasoning it and made it sound hard. What a jerk. You should read this and then go hunt them down like an animal.

Seasoning:

1) To season a cast iron pan rub it down with vegetable oil then wipe up most of the oil. If you're feeling precious I'm sure you could find a reason to use $30/oz Koopaberry oil from the Upper-Goomba highlands. It really doesn't matter what you use. If you don't mind the smoke you can even use butter. (Editor: please note whether your exhaust fan works *before* attempting the aforementioned).

2) Put the pan into your oven at baking temperature ~350 and leave it in for half an hour to 45 minutes. Or an hour. It's not like your landlord's GE Electric stove is gonna melt it.

3-a) Turn off your oven. The pan is now 350 degrees Fahrenheit. You should reach in with both bare hands and pull it out.

3-b) Did you follow step 3a? Really? Hah! When you get back from the burn ward take all your pots and pans and expensive Williams-Sonoma gizmos and give them to the Salvation Army. At least you learned something about
yourself, right?

3-c) Leave the pan in the oven with the door closed until it has cooled down.

4) Rinse your pan, wipe it out, and start cooking.

Until you've got the heavy thick black coating, I'd suggest frying stuff. Bacon, falafel, long-pig, chicken. Once it's nice and thick you can cook pretty much whatever you like though tomatoes and acidy stews or soups seem to take the coating off pretty quick.

Care and maintenence:

It's cast iron. Seriously. People have been using this stuff for 1,500-2,500 years. If you have to stop and think about it, you're doing it wrong.

1) Don't wash it with soap. Use a scrubby sponge and hot water. If it's real crusty boil water in it then scrape at it with a wooden/plastic spatula.

2) If you've got time, before putting it away dry it off by heating it up. Then rub an oily paper towel on it.

3) Be as rough as you like. If you leave it in the sink for a month and it all goes to hell and rusts over just scrub the **** out of it with a scouring pad and some soap until it's clean. Then re-season.

Aluminum sucks, stainless steel sucks, Un-coated copper is bad for you, non-stick is bad for you, and all the copper core pans are ****ing expensive. Cast iron is safe, cheap, and easy to use. Just like your Grandma likes it.

Editor's note: once you start using cast iron and talking about seasoning you will get into fights with people in the opposite use-soap-to-wash/don't-use-soap-to-wash camp as yourself. The editor disagrees with the author on this very topic and feels that a small amount of detergent on a really cruddy pan will work wonderful de-glazing miracles.

Author's note: 2,000 years! Even that racist easily distracted great aunt can use this stuff. Why the over thinking?

This has been a guest blog by WRC, with editorial commentary by EJG.

Blissfull eating

Zen, Vipassana Buddhism, silent and talking meditation, Jewish Renewal, Reform Jewish, Yoga, Hindu, generic New Age, and more... When it comes to spiritual retreat centers, I've been to them all.

And after several hours deep in the transcendent realms, it's amazing how much you start to focus on the one sensual pleasure that's offered up: Food. Here we are withdrawn from the temporal world contemplating the eternal verities, and we're all (at least I'm) going: mantra, mantra, pranayama,downward dog, inner bliss, I wonder what's for lunch?

Most retreat centers are austere places, often financially precarious. Your bed may be a thin mattress on a wooden slab, the plumbing uncertain. But while I'm ready to accommodate physical simplicity, or even outright difficulty, I need that one link to the life of the body and physical satisfaction to stay sane.

I was just a very basic Zen center in New Mexico. On the walls were the rules of retreat: hours for prayer and work, a rule of total silence. Rule # 11: Don't complain about the food to the Roshi. Like they completely know it gets to be an obsession on retreat. And I want to tell you, that center had fantastic food: amazing enchiladas, pasta with homemade pesto, elegant baked eggs and mushroom for breakfast, chocolate chip cookies for dinner. What's to complain about?

But last December I was on silent retreat between Christmas and New Year's at a place where the normal kitchen staff was on vacation. It was steamed greens and brown rice, breakfast, lunch and dinner, with some miso soup thrown in. I'm not kidding. Forget meditation, I was ready to throttle the cooks. We stopped at a convenience store to buy potato chips and sandwiches on the way to the airport. So you never know what you will encounter…although vegetarian is a given.

Here's my advice: bring several chocolate bars so you can be assured your taste buds will get a daily thrill, some salty snack (food is often undersalted tho soy sauce is usually available), and something substantial like a couple of dense power bars to give a sated feeling if the dreaded greens come around again. And if the going get rough, know that you can invariably count on terrific bread no matter what .

This is a guest blog by MHF! Thanks!

Bourdain on The Food Network

From Michael Ruhlman's website, a blast at The Food Network by Anthony Bourdain. The telegenic chef takes a few potshots at the folks on the air at The Food Network. Among the highlights:

PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine, in the classic “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it’s all over.

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And...he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network.

Other than being gripped by the fear that comes from realizing that Paula Deen does indeed resemble Baltimore's most famous transvestite, I'm amazed he didn't comment on any of her recipes. The woman makes a bread pudding with a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and slathers everything in a pound of butter.

She cooks like Elvis ate.

Considering that much of his blog is concerned with the food quality coming from the Food Network, I wonder why he didn't mention a thing about her cooking.

Thanks to the USAToday's Pop Candy blog for the catch!

You know you're a food nerd when...

Have any of your recent menus contained these words:

Basically, have you been to Minibar. If so, today's Achewood has the cultural commentary for you.

New Website for Gastronauts

For those of you who read my articles on Thai cooking and Spanish tapas-making with lust in your hearts: My oft-mentioned "Supper Club" is forming new groups in the DC area, and we're looking for smart, fun foodies to contribute. If you’re interested in getting involved with this cooking/wining/dining organization, check us out at GourmetGirls.org.

Note from the ED- the 'my' here is the lovely Karen - go check it out!

A Thanksgiving Haiku or Two

I call this collection "Odes to a Food Allergy."

the turkey divine
but why did somebody put
mushrooms in stuffing?

and

chop them way too small
`shrooms invisible to eye
make me Shiitake.

Of all the foods to be allergic to, it'd have to be something that can be disguised like an Eastern Bloc spy. Ugh... I practically starved during the portobella boom a few years ago.

And, just to add insult to injury, I attended a weddding Saturday where the fliet mignons were covered in a delightful steak sauce...made of mushrooms. A tell-tale bit of mushroom would have been enough to scare me away to the lemon caper salmon, but no bits of `shroom could be found.

I'm guessing I'd have been a bad Smurf.

Out Of The Deep-Fryer & Into The Frying Pan

After another Thanksgiving, I thought I’d ease everyone back into the daily grind with something unusual for this web site: a culinary op-ed of sorts. Recently, the people in charge of New York City have begun a debate on whether or not to ban trans-fatty acids in restaurants. In order to understand the implications of this, it is necessary to know a little bit about what trans-fatty acids are, and why officials would want to ban them.

Normally, fat comes in four types: saturated, polyunsaturated, monounsaturated, and trans fatty acids. Saturated fat (such as butter, coconut oil, and palm kernel oil) is solid at room temperature, and is generally quite bad for you, in that it has been shown to be correlated with heart disease. Unsaturated fats are liquid at room temperature (olive, canola, soybean, corn, and vegetable oils), and while still bad for you, are less bad than saturated fats (although the fat content in your diet should come from unsaturated fats as much as possible).

The trouble is that all the flavour and goodness in various recipes comes from saturated fat. Some enterprising companies have discovered that if they add Hydrogen to an unsaturated fat like vegetable oil, it takes on properties that make it behave like a saturated fat (in terms of taste, texture, and body). These hydrogenated or partially-hydrogenated oils (which are sold as margarine, vegetable “spreads,” oleos, and shortening) are also called trans-fatty acids (or TFA for short).

Recently, authorities have become concerned because of a link between TFA’s and a number of health problems. TFA's have been shown to raise the level of LDL ("bad") cholesterol, while lowering the level of HDL ("good") cholesterol, which leads to an increased risk for heart attack and stroke. Also, there seems to be a correlation between TFA consumption and obesity levels. The federal government, which is in an excellent position to enforce such a ban nationwide, has been silent on this matter, so some municipalities have started to take matters into their own hands. New York City, as the first major city to consider this, is being watched very carefully. Fast-food restaurant chains such as McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's, worried about potential drops in profit margins, have already (supposedly) started investigating alternatives for their fried foods.The proposed ban would only encompass restaurants. People would still be able to purchase margarine, shortening, etc. for home use.

As a professional chef, I am opposed to this sort of regulation for two reasons. First is because it’s badly written legislation that unfairly targets restaurants. Only restaurants would be subject to a ban on ingredients that are otherwise perfectly legal to use. Restaurants generally use a shortening in their deep fryers because it’s cheaper to use, and it doesn’t have to be changed as often as oil (and believe me, changing the oil in a commercial deep-fryer is not trivial). As such, the practical implication of this ban would be to quadruple the cost of anything fried.

The second reason I am opposed to this ban is because I really believe that it is not for a government to regulate what I eat. I am an adult, and I should decide what level of risk I’m comfortable with. I understand that there is a large amount of obesity in our society, but at the end of the day, people are responsible for their own diets, and for their level of activity (or lack thereof). What will happen if this ban comes to pass is that restaurants will most likely revert to using saturated fats such as butter, which is why the American Heart Association does not support the ban as it is currently written.

This sort of regulation first started in the late 1970’s when officials were concerned about Peking duck (which requires that the duck is hung to dry for half a day). It then moved to artisanal sausages and salumerias, and now to TFA’s. As a result, a lot of old-style artisan work is being lost. I admire the New York City government’s intentions, however the practical implications would be to shield people from one danger, while exposing people to another. Where does this end? If they come after Five Guys next, then my friends, the terrorists have truly won.

Got an opinion? Post a comment, or send an e-mail to dcfud.writers@gmail.com. For more information on TFA's and their health implications, check out the American Heart Association's web site.

Le Poisson, Le Poisson!

As I mentioned before, the boy and I attended a "Cooking for Two" class at L'Academie de Cuisine recently, which was my anniversary present. (He's good, huh? Make your girlfriend a) squeal with excitement AND b) a better cook!) I chose the seafood-themed class, as I am a sucker for ...well, anything with suckers, and the menu looked unbeatable: clams casino, honey-cured grilled salmon steaks, and a crab and corn chowder. Oh, and FLAN, because fish belongs everywhere except dessert. Yes, you can quote me on that.

Now, L'Academie runs a professional school, but we had signed up for the recreational one, so we stroll in to the chem-labish classroom at the Bethesda location right at the appointed time, expecting a relaxed evening of chopping and stirring and savoring lovely smells like we do at home. FYI for anyone planning to sign up for a class there: "recreational" is not the same as "relaxing." Oh, no.

Don't get me wrong. You will absolutely love it, but you'll be lucky to keep up with the instructor for the first hour of the three-hour class. She will show you how to stuff a clam (with the aforementioned compound butter), and you had better do it NOW, because soon as she's done, she's showing your partner how to "walk" a knife through an onion. Not that she was rude about it; she just worked fast and wanted us to learn as much as we could. (One small problem--if you don't do exactly as the instructor says, an assistant may come over and do it for you. I practically had to wrestle my knife out the hands of a very sweet woman who started out showing me how big the pieces of celeriac should be, and then tried to chop all my root vegetables for me.)

After the first hour or so everything slows down, the assistants pour the wine, and THEN you get to relax and savor lovely smells (for awhile, until the next big rush). They will do some things for you, but these were all small things that would have been impractical in large groups but easy enough in your own kitchen (for instance, we didn't get to mix our own marinades for the salmon steaks). Everything else is done at your workstation by you and your partner, including, of course, the eating. I think that was most people's favorite part, but mine was all the actual cooking, with the boy, of course. Chop! Stuff! Grill! Roast! Do dates get any better than this? I doubt it. (Unless you stuff them with gorgonzola.)

Beyond the Matzo

Jew Food! It ain't just matzo balls and ...more matzoh! And while that doesn't discount the possibility that it may be just latkes, Claudia Roden thinks otherwise. And to prove it, she's speaking (and possibly demo-ing?) at the DC JCC about her latest book Arabesque: A Taste of Morocco, Turkey, and Lebanon.

Disclaimer: I was given a copy of her lovely "The Book of Jewish Food" when I moved into my first apartment. I still get all faklempt thinking about it. So.

Claudia Roden on Cuisine and Culture
Tuesday, November 14th, 7:30pm
Washington DCJCC (16th and Q st., NW)
For tickets, see nextbook.org or call 888-219-5222.

Political Bourdain

Chatting one day with Baylen Linnekin, founder of the painfully irreverent blog To The People, we discovered our mutual admiration for chef-writer-traveller extraordinaire Anthony Bourdain. Baylen immediately began to make an impassioned case that Bourdain is the best popular example of someone living a libertarian lifestyle today. It made sense. Bourdain is a libertine who supports open borders, praises globalization, and advocates personal choice whether it comes to tobacco, fois gras, or pot. Now I understood why I liked Bourdain so much.

"Baylen," I said, "you should write an article on this. Heck, Bourdain's on book tour--shouldn't be to hard to score an interview with him." At that my friend's fanboy eyes widened. Fast-forward three months and here's Baylen's piece (along with audio of their 40-minute conversation) in the new issue of Doublethink, a D.C.-based print quarterly I work with.

The verdict? Like a lot of folks, Bourdain's a libertarian even if he doesn't know it yet.

This post is by Guest Blogger Jerry Brito. Thanks!

Restaurants, discounts, and restrictions...oh my!

Apply the code 44355 to receive 60% off at Restaurant.com for gift certificates valid at over 7,000 participating restaurants. They have $25 gift certificates available for $4 after coupon. Some restrictions apply. Offer expires 10/31/2006 The proceeds will support Share Our Strength's efforts to end childhood hunger and ongoing recovery efforts in the Gulf Coast.

This does not only apply to DC Area restaurants, and I have used them in various cities. Locally, I have used Restaurant.com's certificates for Matsutake and The Front Page. Just look at the restrictions very carefully because there may be party size requirements, the certificates may not be valid certain times or days, etc.

This is not about DC, nor Fud...discuss.

In anticipation of the Virginia Wine Festival (coming up this weekend, September 30th and October 1st), allow me to sing the praises of two DC-area wineries. These came recommended to me by Chris over at Wine With Dinner, who is my personal wine trainer and guru.

Breaux Vineyards, Leesburg--it's a long drive from DC, but completely worth it, even if you, ahem, get lost. Breaux is a gorgeous vineyard, with a rather stately-looking tasting house on a hillside, where picnics are welcomed and playful jazz music is played. There are two tasting menus: the house tasting, which includes eight wines, and the more exclusive "library" tasting, which includes five more mature, complex vintages. The library tasting also includes the Nebbiolo, a truly fantastic experience of red. I haven't yet been to the Piedmont in italy, where the Nebbiolo is a noble grape, but I can hardly imagine it being any more noble there than it is at Breaux. There are also two crisp, fruity, and very different Chardonnays, and a blue-ribbon Merlot. The staff is relaxed, but eager to answer questions. Breaux is open for tastings year-round Fridays through Mondays from 11-5 (but call before you go, just to be sure.)

Hillsborough Vineyards, Purcellville--this might be an even prettier vineyard than Breaux, and it's a little homier and more charming. There's a goldfish pond, a spaniel, and a jaw-dropping sunset view. Their wines are all named for stones, and the "Opal" (named for the vintner's grandmother) is one of the best--a beautiful, bright blend of viognier and chardonnay. They also have a red called "Bloodstone," with seductive earthy notes, which I was mocked for trying to describe. But this wine really does taste like life and death, and sex, and power, and the change of seasons. Hillsborough is open Friday-Monday from 11-6 for tastings.

Breaux Vineyards
36888 Breaux Vineyards Lane
Purcellville, Virginia 20132
Phone: (540)668-6299 (800)492-9961

Hillsborough Vineyards
36716 Charles Town Pike
Purcellville, VA 20132
Phone (540) 668.6216

Cephalopods can cook!

I realize that some of you may already be fans of Tako the Octopus, but a lot of people don’t seem to know about the wonderful web cooking show, Deep Fried Live, which is available here. You get to watch a cartoon octopus cooking pumpkin flan or steak. And, yes, the show is funny and entertaining, especially the episodes where he struggles with a live chicken or prawn. You can even check out recipe cartoons, like the recipe for beer can chicken.

Canada is now 48% less special

While America is reaching a level of economic imperialism unimaginable during the European colonization era of the 17th Century, spreading a slickly-marketed culture to the entire globe, Canada remains an unassuming, sensible, New World counterpart, a Canuck Abbott to our Yankee Costello. They look like us, talk like us, but ain't U.S.

There's a lot to love about Canada. Excellent skiing, panoramic views, immaculate cities. Regional beers so strong that that they make you forget you're living in a town called Dildo. Legal Cuban cigars. Evangeline Lilly. Truly, all things to be proud of, and their desire to protect their culture from American influence is noble, but as their desire to remain Canadian is strong, America's desire to be Canadian is stronger.

Their beloved candy bar, Coffee Crisp, is now being sold in the States. This little candy bar has such a fan club here that they petitioned Nestle' to sell it domestically, thereby crippling a cottage industry of Canadians selling the bars to suckers...er, buyers, on eBay. Theoretically, World Market in Pentagon City has the bars, but two trips in the past week have been fruitless. The Wegman's in Fairfax was supposed to have them in the store as of yesterday.

We've already taken their hockey teams, their top aeronautical engineers from the Avro Arrow project, Tim Horton's is expanding through the Midwest, we're holding all of their comics hostage and, frankly, we're not giving back Jim Carrey or Eugene Levy, but they can reclaim Dan Akroyd at any time. (Sorry about the Phil Hartman thing. We're still a bit bitter about that, too.)

Once we get their superior pop bands, politeness, health care and near-universal gun ownership, the assimilation will be complete. The United States of Canada has a certain ring, n'est-ce pas?

Express still loves us

And why shouldn't they, I mean, we really are just that cool. And needy. Thanks Express!

What to "Cook" in Flores

The restaurant next to the Petenchal Guest House in Flores was tiny and charmless and grubby, with sunbleached pictures of the World Cup teams taped to the walls. Even to backpackers, this was an inauspicious place, and we walked past it in our search for good local food one night. But "good" and "local" were almost mutually exclusive for me in Guatemala, as I remain unconvinced of the charms of beans and corn tortillas. Oh, how I craved fruit (forbidden by my Lonely Planet) and milk (impossible to find).

Flores is a pretty and colorful but tiny town on an island in the middle of Lago Peten Itza, so before long we were back where we started, in front of our guest house and the grubby restaurant. This time there was a older couple seated out front: Maya, by their dress. The woman had twinkly eyes, and when she saw us approach, she smiled at us. I thought, she knows something about this place that we don't.

Even before our food arrived, I was thinking of Thailand. When the Boy had taken his students to Chiang Mai six weeks before, he had signed them up for a cooking class, and come back with tales of searching the markets for spices with the chef, and tossing unpronounceable ingredients into exotic dishes. I was enchanted, and wondered why I had never thought of that in my travels. So when the waiter came over to chat (something I loved about Guatemala), I asked him if he knew where I could learn to make Guatemalan food. Within minutes it was settled--we were to come back the next day, and the cooks would teach us. Did we speak Spanish? No. The cooks spoke no English, would this be a problem? No, in fact, it was even better. And the food, when it came, was good, heavy, but strange--there was a tang to it, something familiar but wrong.

The next afternoon, the tiny kitchen was a hundred degrees. The cooks, Olga (in the picture) and Rosa, were younger than us, cheerful, and found us terribly amusing. They showed us how to assemble burritos, and put mayonnaise on top, much to my dismay. That's what the strange taste was the night before! They microwaved some pulled meat and had me slice up an avocado. That I could already do. They showed us how to mix corn flour and water and shape the paste into tortillas to cook on the griddle. They asked us (by showing us a menu) what else we want to learn, and I realized--this is why there are no cooking classes in Guatemala. There is hardly any cooking. So far in that country I had not eaten anything that was complex or well-spiced or sauced or slow-simmered. The meats were delicious and tender, but I suspected that any meat-preparation class would begin with the words, "First, catch a chicken."

Still wanting fruit and milk, I turned to look at the shelves, and saw plantains. I pickd them up and put them into the cold frying pan, saying, "Fry?" Olga and Rosa were pleased that I chose that, and showed me how to slice up the plantain and put it into extremely hot oil. I get speckled with little oil burns. Rosa got a bowl of white goo out of the fridge and offered me some. It tasted like a combination of cream cheese and frosting. "Queso!" she said. "Name of cheese?" I asked in my best Spanish. She shrugged. "Queso." I'll never know. Freshly fried plantains with sweet cheese turned out to be exactly what I needed in Guatemala, shared with two girls who laughed at every English word we said.

East Meets NW

Anyone familiar with the DC blogosphere knows that approximately one out of every four DC blogs is dedicated to complaints about our nation's capital. Transplants from New York, especially, say that DC is boring, but I am completely baffled by that statement. How are they not completely overwhelmed by all there is to do around here? Do they need a fun starter kit? Here's one! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the International Club of DC. (No, I have absolutely nothing to do with its existence; I just like to present things.)

As part of my never-ending quest to learn to make every sort of cuisine on the planet, I attended the ICDC's Indian Cooking class at Heritage India on Wisconsin Avenue in Glover Park. Heritage India chef Sanjeev Tuli led a lively, sparks-flying demonstration of five courses. Strangely, he started off with a calamari appetizer, which is not exactly Indian by Heritage, but was sautéed with coconut and lemon for an Indian-fusion flavor. The squid was beautifully tender and delicate, even though I couldn't shake the "but this is Italian!" feeling....as I scarfed down my calamari.

Happily, the remaining courses were more authentically Indian: chicken pasanda (a light chicken curry in a creamy almond sauce, and the clear crowd favorite), vegetable dishes aloo gobi (potatoes and cauliflower)and bhindi masala (sautéed okra), and kheer (a sweet, wholesome-tasting rice pudding). Tuli even passed around curry leaves and curry powder to demonstrate the gap in aroma and flavor between the two. Tuli was dismissive of curry powder, saying that it is a "British invention" having nothing to do with Indian cooking. I personally love curry powder, but I had to admit there was a big difference between the two, and resolved to cook with curry leaves next time, just to mix it up a little.

Recipes were given out at the end of the three-hour class, but Mr. Tuli could not be reached for permission to reprint them here. Luckily for you, however, the ICDC is offering this class again on Sunday, September 3, from noon to 3. The class includes a demonstration, lunch with dessert, and recipes, and costs $39 for a limited time. I recommend you buy your tickets as soon as possible, as these classes always sell out.

Namaste, and happy cooking, DC!

NBC4 Loves Us!

Our very own Michael Witte (maw) was recently caught on camera talking about DCFUD to local TV station NBC4. Congratulations, Mike, you did great -- and you didn't look nearly as nervous as you led us to believe.

For those of you who missed it, you can view the full segment here:

http://www.nbc4.com/video/9580990/detail.html.

The Great Popcorn Challenge of 2006

I never liked popcorn as a child, teen, or college student. However, it seems as if in the past few years I have been developing a taste for the quick and easy snack. I've tried a variety of microwave brands, rejecting a lot along the way, but my favorite has always been the Corn on the Cob by Orville Redenbacher.

During the winter, a friend of mine from the Chicago area brought me some popcorn from Kernel Fabyan's as a housewarming present. I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

It was fantastic. It was Nelly's Combo Pop, the perfect combination of caramel popcorn and cheddar popcorn all tossed together in a pretty gallon sized tin. It was gone within the week.

I have decided to come up with The Great Popcorn Challenge of 2006. I am going to try a varitey of different popcorns, and comment on each type.

I ordered from Garrett Popcorn (another Chicago store) on Monday - it should be arriving today. I decided to stick with the caramel/cheese combo and purchased their CaramelCrisp® & CheeseCorn™ MIX. We'll have to see the difference. I don't know if it can live up to the Fab though.

I think I might try Dale and Thomas next. They have a ton of tasty looking flavors, such as Chocolate Chunk N'Caramel, Pineapple Coconut Breeze, Peanut Butter & White Chocolate Drizzle Corn, Buffalo & Blue, Sun-Drenched Strawberry, Really Really Raspberry, Blueberry Bushel, Sweet & Spicy BBQ, Sweet Georgia Pecan, and Southwest Cheddar Chipotle

I'm extending this challenge to the audience. Any recommendations to try next? Any DC area local specialities?

What is YOUR favorite popcorn?

No Magic Wand Needed

So the Rachael Ray / Bobby Flay talk (organized by the ASAE's Distinguished Speakers Series) didn't go exactly as planned. I know, your little ears perk right up when I say that--you're kind of hoping it devolved into a cage match, aren't you? Well, as wildly entertaining as that would have been, the truth is just this: Bobby's plane was redirected because of the thunderstorms, and he couldn't make it. Which was disappointing, but Rachael was funny and fascinating and clearly just as pleased as punch to be there, so the talk went quite well.

When asked what she thought was the secret of her success with 30 Minute Meals, she started talking about how she doesn't have everything all chopped up perfectly in little bowls beforehand, nor does she have any assistance on-camera. She makes the whole meal in the time allowed, by herself, and because she's not flawless or elegant or tidy or complicated, no one looks at her show and thinks, "...you know, I think I'll just make spaghetti tonight." They think (and this is a direct quote), "Wow, that's a MESS! I can do THAT!" And that's the appeal of Rachael Ray. No, she wasn't professionally trained, yeah, she uses shortcuts instead of devoting hours to each meal. But she's really good at showing us what we can do. She makes cooking unintimidating, so that maybe we discover a love of the kitchen, and we're inspired to try harder recipes in the future. She's the Harry Potter of the culinary world.

She's also adorable, of course. I say that not to comment on her career path, but to have an excuse to tell you that at least half the men in the audience were looking at her with their heads tilted and big moony eyes....and that includes my "date." Fabulous.

And that's why I made Rachael's very delicious Creamy "Grits" with Creole Shrimp for dinner the next night! I'm including the recipe here, but I got it from the 30 Minute Meals section at The Food Network. She calls for instant polenta instead of grits, but I couldn't find that so I went ahead and used grits instead. They're quite nice prepared with chicken stock and whole milk...just boil up 2 cups of stock and add the grits, then turn off the heat and add in a cup of milk. Yummo. Oh, great, now I'm saying it.

Creamy "Grits" with Creole Shrimp

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 2 turns of the pan
3 tablespoons butter, divided
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 medium onion, finely chopped
2 ribs celery with green leafy tops, finely chopped
1 small green bell pepper, seeded and finely chopped
4 to 5 sprigs fresh thyme, intact
1 bay leaf, fresh or dried
Salt and black pepper
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce, eyeball it
1 to 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons hot sauce (recommended: Frank's Red Hot), divided
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 cup beer, 1/3 of a bottle
3 cups chicken stock, divided
1 (14-ounce) can diced tomatoes
1 cup chopped frozen okra, optional
1 1/2 pounds peeled, deveined medium to large shrimp, tails removed
1 cup whole milk
1 cup quick cooking (sometimes marked "instant") polenta

Heat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add extra-virgin olive oil and 1 tablespoon butter. When butter melts into extra-virgin olive oil, add garlic, onions, celery, bell peppers, thyme, bay leaf then season with salt and pepper. Cook veggies 7 to 8 minutes until tender, add in the Worcestershire, 1 to 2 tablespoons hot sauce (medium to spicy heat level) and the flour and cook 1 minute more then add in beer and cook it off, another 30 seconds or so. Whisk in 1 cup of stock then add tomatoes and okra, if using, and bring to a bubble. Add shrimp and cook 3 to 5 minutes, until shrimp turn pink and firm then turn off heat. Remove thyme stems and bay leaf.

Bring remaining 2 tablespoons butter, 2 cups stock, 1 cup milk and 2 teaspoons hot sauce, to a boil in a sauce pot. Stir in 1 cup quick cooking polenta. Stir constantly to mass the cornmeal. Once the mixture thickens to the consistency of whipped potatoes, season the "grits" with salt and divide among dinner plates.

Serve generous ladles of shrimp and sauce on a bed of creamy "grits".

Hot tips

Since this is my first posting for DCFüd, what better way to start than a post about one of my true loves in life: barbecue. Of course, now that summer is pretty much here, people will be firing up the grills and enjoying that great summer flavour. As a professional chef I have opportunity to see some of the best and worst of barbecue ideas, so I thought I'd post some tips here.

Use The Right Heat For The Job. There are two types of heat for food on a grill – direct and indirect. With direct heat, you spread your coals out evenly (or cook directly over the burner on a gas grill), and cook directly over the hot coals. This works very well for burgers, hot dogs, and items that don't cook for all that long. With indirect heat, you pile your coals to one or both sides of the grill, and leave the middle empty (or switch the side burners on, and leave the middle off) or with a pan for drippings. You'd then put your food in the middle, so the heat is more even. This works for foods like chicken, that typically cook for longer.

Fat Is Good. While most health-care professionals will advise you to limit your fat intake, when you're barbecuing, you need to choose meats that have good marbling. Fat will keep the meat moist over the high heat, which will prevent it from drying out (chicken and/or turkey should always be grilled with the skin on – you can always take it off before eating it). When grilling any kind of meat with a fat cap, always start the grilling fat side up. Turn it over about three-fourths of the way through.

Avoid Excessive Flipping. Give your food time to cook, and don't be worried about it. This is especially true for burgers and steaks, which should only be flipped once. Any more than that, and you lose the juices in the meat. If you're using the right heat method, you won't need to flip very often.

Try New Things. Try grilling some fish, or vegetables. Yes, even the vegetables you don't like take on a whole different flavour when they're grilled, so why not try some veggie kebabs? For a really nice touch, grill some fresh fruit (not for very long, mind you, but just enough to accent the natural sweetness of the fruit). That works for everything except watermelon (and to eat watermelon any way other than the normal way is just downright un-American if you ask me).

This post is by Guest Blogger Yaneev. Thanks, mister!

Coming Up: An Evening With Bobby Flay and Rachael Ray

An Evening with Bobby Flay and Rachael Ray: Food, Culture and Fulfillment: Living a Richer Life

"Celebrity chefs Bobby Flay and Rachael Ray are nationally known for their multiple television shows on the Food Network....Join us for a special evening with two great chefs as they explore the role of the creative process in their work and delve into how food and wine have brought people together for centuries, connecting diverse cultures and enhancing the richness of life." Tickets start at $50 and go on sale May 28. Call 202-326-9530 or email speaker@asaecenter.org.

They were kind enough to send us free tickets to attend this event, so I'll be sure to let you all know how faaaaaabulous it was if you can't make it!

Flying Food

Unless you travel a lot, or you're somehow drawn to airport magazines, we'd imagine you missed this month's Washington Flyer Magazine. Heck, we would have if we hadn't been stuck in the middle of a Washigton Flyer Taxi strike at Dulles.

But, our region's favorite airport magazine (actually, I've never seen another airport system with a magazine, so it's probably the only airport magazine...) did a series of food articles which are worth checking out. Among them:

Look Who's Coming to Dinner - If you were a famous DC chef and could cook for anyone, who would it be? Chef's answerws include Dave Chappelle, George Lopez (right), Duke Ellington, Thomas Jefferson and, umm, Laura Bush.

Mexican to Go - A search for authentic Mexican fare in Mexico City turns out to be harder than the writer thought.

Foodie Fight - Our personal favorite, in that it features the excellent Jason of DCFoodies.com up against two more traditional food writers, reviewing their favorite restaurants .. and then reviewing the other reviewers. It's a quirky concept, but worth a read. Congrats to Jason on his every growing fame!

And, most importantly, you don't even have to make the horrible trip to Dulles to read the articles.

FUD wants YOU!

Coming Soon: Dinner Reviews from Baghdad

We've brought you DC-based bitching, Transit nerd ranting, food love, and Windy city rumors. Now, in our biggest challenge yet, Smorgasblog brings our most far-flung blog yet...from IRAQ!

The Smorgasblog media empire and our dozen or so unpaid writers would like to welcome a new member to the family:

PNG'd brings you the straight scoop from a highly anonymous and very funny worker in the Green Zone. Check him out.

Where do you Wifi?

It came to my attention yesterday that we've been neglecting our list of great places to get coffee with wi-fi. Updates are forthcoming, but before we do so, we'd like to know what other places you know of with wireless (free or pay) in the DC area. Please add any suggestions either in the comments in this post or email us at dcfud.writers@gmail.com.

Splenda hates puppies

Splenda has long been a mainstay on this blog for its humorous lawsuits and creepy medical effects. But what about Spenda, the Puppy Killer?

A number of sources have published undercover findings on the infamous ‘Huntingdon Life Sciences’ product testing company. If your’re an enviro-type, you might recognize the name from older allegations that staff there were incompetent, unnecessarily cruel, and drunk. Anyway, current rumors are that early testing of Splenda killed 12,800 animals including a whole lot of adorable puppies and monkeys, who apparently weren’t so adorable by the time they’d been force-fed Splenda and then... well, you know.

If you really want some of the gory details, here are a couple hippie sites trafficking in moral outrage. I warn, this really isn’t for anyone who’s just eaten. Or is about to eat. Or ever wants to eat again:

World Vegan News

An anti-Huntingdon page

Inside HLS. They don’t dig it, apparently

So all you people claiming that Splenda should not be used by the public until its effects were fully known, this is all your fault.

Metal for your head

You’re used to sticking them in your mouth, now put them around your neck. Yep, I’m talking about cutlery jewelry. You’ve seen them at all the cheesy middle-school-art-teacher boutiques…and on late 90’s alternative singers. And hippies. But now humans can have them too. This means the next time you’re stuck with a huge plate of fois gras, truffles, and caviar without a spoon, you know where to reach.

Or, if braceletes are more your thing, http://spoonman.com/nbr413e.htm

Or how about…

Complain about food. Get free stuff.

Zagat's is running their annual write-in survey for DC/Baltimore again. If you are not familiar with their little red restaurant guidebooks - and which planet have you been living on? - this dining series is compiled from readers filling out an online survey rating the restaurants they eat at. Then the editors put together catchy little reviews. Last year's had over 6,000 participants, including yours truly, covering 923 local restaurants. Love it or hate it you can't simply ignore Zagat's influence, as proved by the Zagat rating posed proudly in the windows of high rated places around town

The survey is easy and quick to do, with space to write-in restaurants that aren't already listed. The payoff is a free copy of the guide sent to you when it comes out. Yup, free. Go to

http://www.zagat.com/

Look on the middle left for Vote, Active Surveys, and click on Washington DC,/Baltimore. You will have to sign in, give them a little info so they know where to send the guide when it comes out, vote, and that's it. The closing date is March 12, 2006.

You can also tell Zagats other cities you're familiar with and get notified when their surveys are happening. I participate the NY and South Florida surveys since I am there often enough to be familiar with their restaurant scene -- and I get the free guides for those too.

Thanks guest blogger, MHF!

Radio Free Steak

Two articles of note:

First, I Heard It on NPR -
The employees of Saveur magazine have listed their 100 favorite restaurants, food, drink, and, well, things. (The above URL has the link for the list, as well as the story from NPR, which is well worth a listen.) (As an added bonus, they include the recipe for perde pilavi, a Turkish wedding dish. If anyone tries it, let us know how it turns out.)

Second, Steak a la CBS -
The Early Show has an interesting story on choosing the right steak on a budget.

DC Culinary Tour

Part of any good traveling experience is culinary; sampling the local cuisine even if it's only different versions of things you have at home is always advised. This is especially true in a place like Washington where just about any nationality you can think of is represented in some way. With a little effort you can find whatever suits you here, and some things that are woefully gross and you'd do better to avoid.

On this trip it just so happened that my first experience dining out was at an old favorite - Full Kee in Chinatown. Now, I am going to complain about Full Kee. And many of you are going to cock your heads to one side and say, 'Dear boy, you bought Chinese food in Chinatown. What did you expect?' But to those of you I say that there have been many times when I was the only gringo in the place (whatever the Chinese version of gringo is) and I was able to order very good family style Cantonese food here. A few months ago it was here that I enjoyed the best bowl of noodles with brisket that I've ever had. This time I was disappointed with the Pan Fried Noodles w/ Shrimp ($8) I ordered, which were largely tasteless and cool. I'd definitely go again, but I think the trick here is to ask for what the kitchen staff or servers might eat, as I did with the noodles last time. I had better luck and an adventure of sorts. [ed. note: Full Kee underwent renovations and a change in ownership last year, and may still be sorting things out]

After the theater the original plan was to have dinner at a smallish Italian place near the KC whose name escapes me. Due to a dinner crunch we ended up calling ahead to the Circle Bistro, which serves a large French menu to guests of the Washington Circle Hotel and anyone else looking for a very pleasant meal in a refined atmosphere. Several members of my party ordered the Yukon Gold Potato Gnocchi ($19), which arrived in a shallow dish with Fall vegetables. A small sample revealed firm Gnocchi in a mild cream sauce, with hints of sage. I chose the Classic Tartare of Hereford Beef ($12), served with a paper cone of pomme frites. It was really very good, with the taste of fresh ultra-rare beef undercut slightly by quality capers.

Coffee junkies that we are, we spent quite a bit of time in coffee houses or places that cater to coffee house types. Tryst is an old favorite, serving dozens of coffee drinks and teas in a sort of yard sale chic atmosphere. I had a good but very strong Egg Nog with Rum here. The food is pretty good as well, perfect for studying or reading with. Sandwiches, for instance, run $6-7 and are made on site by actual humans with quality ingredients. Two relative newcomers, looking to capitalize on the popularity of Tryst, are Open City and Busboys + Poets. I thought Open City had a delicious Soy Latte, then noticed why: all their coffee is roasted by and purchased from Tryst. (I've since been told they're actually owned by Tryst.) Busboys + Poets has the same intricate tea services as Tryst, with a large stage in back for the inevitable poetry slam. All these places make it clear that it's really difficult to get a lousy cup of Joe in DC except for in the Dirksen cafeteria.

Utopia is in a row house in the U District, and has really made an effort to leave some lasting mark on the neighborhood with a sort of Afro-Cuban decor and live jazz when we visited. I pounce on good Mussels when they're in season (months ending in "R", kids...) so I had to try them in Lemon Caper Cream sauce. I really didn\'t expect the sauce to be as good as it was; complex, a bit sweet, and completely worth the untold hours on the treadmill it will take to make it (and the two pieces of bread that soaked it up) go away. I think I\'ll be mentally filing Utopia away as a place to return to later.

In addition to all the places in DC to dine where one is expected to dress as if they just climbed out of the Banana Republic window, there are other very tasty and far less formal spots, like Julia's Empanadas. There are three in various spots in the city but my favorite is on 18th NW across from Madam's Organ. It's really hard to be elitist about the favorite cuisine of labor union organizers and socialist revolutionaries that's best eaten with two hands and a Guava juice. The window outside purports that each is "handmade with love," and I'd believe it. For looks the little pastry pouches can't be beat, and the taste is a delicious break from the normal bland pub food.

Also in Adam's Morgan is the fantastic Amsterdam Falafel. Like Julia's, Amsterdam caters to the late night crowd of revelers with simple fare. Serving only three main items—a small falafel, regular falafel, and pomes frites - in the upstairs of a small row house, Amsterdam does what it does very well. Each falafel is crunchy on the outside and surprisingly flavorful inside. Served plain, it's up to you to decide what you'd like from a bar of toppings including tahini and other made on-site relishes and chiffonades. I especially love the jalapeno and cilantro herb relish. While I love a nice - as we say in the south, 'sit-down' meal - sometimes eating from a paper pouch while you walk down 18th is a lot of fun. Julia's and Amsterdam are an absolute must when I'm in Washington, and for comfort food they've got my vote.

This was written by guest contributer NMJ.

Eight Things To Do with an Eff-Cake

For all the fuss that fruitcakes get, I’ve never actually received the gift (or re-gifted it for that matter) in all my twenty Christmases. Call me young and naive, but the tradition seems as obsolete as wearing Ugg boots with skirts or holding Christmas soirees rather than Chrismukah ones. But for those of you who did receive a fruitcake (and please come forward) here are some ideas of how to put that Eff-cake to use.

1. Contribute to the Cold Stone Creamery Fruitcake Freedom Initiative. Donate a fruitcake to any Cold Stone location throughout the nation (click here for DC-area ones) during December, and receive 5 bucks off any 8-inch ice cream cake (originally around twenty-five bucks). Or use the credit toward one of the exclusive December ice cream flavors: either Santa's Reward—a Candy Cane ice cream mixed with double Oreos. Or After Dinner Mint—Dark Chocolate Peppermint ice cream swirled with marshmallows, Oreos and chocolate shavings.

2. Save money on bird seed. Even the National Wildlife Federation endorses the idea. But the nature activists warn cake abusers not to go tossing around pieces of rum-infused ones. We wouldn’t want the birds flying under the influence. And while you’re at it, sing along to the Mary Poppin’s classic. Feeeed the biiiiirds, tuppence a bag…

3. Buy a plane ticket to Manitou Springs, Colorado and feel free to chuck or hurl the brains out of the little Eff-devil. The Eleventh Annual Great Fruitcake Toss endorses fruitcake abuse of all kinds. This year, in response to the overwhelming flux of disgruntled recipients, the competition site has been upgraded to the Manitou Springs High School track! Yippe-iee-yahooo! Awards will go to the greatest hurled distance, as well as the most glamorous, creative and ugly transformations of a fruitcake. Oh and calling all Washington-area-ians, you may also go home with the furthest distance traveled award. That is, if you’re not opposed to the stack of required paperwork.

4. Splurge on a Panettone, the Eff-cake’s enchanting Italian cousin. Realize that there’s no way the dark horse relative will ever live up to the all-to-delicious-at-12-grams-of-fat-a-slice P-dream. She is light, fluffy and hardly reminiscent of anything leftover.

5. Forget Klondike. What would you do for a Fruitcake Sandwich? Thinly slice the Eff-baby and place a dollop of leftover ice cream (from last Sunday’s dessert fest) in between the two cake wafers. Wrap in any sort of foil or saran wrap and freeze overnight.

6. Fondue party anyone? Chop them into cubes with other miscellaneous leftover chunks (i.e. turkey, Uncle Eugene’s bright orange cheese cube, pie chunks, green beans) and throw together an alternative pre-New Year’s Fondue Ball. If the cake still resurfaces as leftovers, throw the pieces into the oven for 15ish minutes, and use as croutons in a sweeter salad. Like a pear and blue cheese one with raspberry vinaigrette.

7. You know you’re craving an Applesauce Cheddar Fruitcake…(umm, what?) Consult the Eff-cake recipe library if you really decide get into this.

8. Still not impressed? Try alternative doorstop, fireplace log or bathtub drainer—those seem to be the traditional favorites.

Happy Holidays from DCFUD

Happy Holidays from the DCFUD family! We hope that your Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Solstice, Winter Holiday and/or Generic Celebration (or Anti-Celebration) dinner consists of fantastic food and even better company.

Kangaroo, coming sooner than you think!

In our "random postings to keep you coming back" series on DCFUD, Kangaroo may be coming to a store near you sooner than you think.

According to WFTV.com, a driver in Mauston, Wisconsin hit a 50 pound kangaroo with his car. No one has claimed responsibility for the marsupial, leading us here at DCFUD to hypothesize that there are covert farms in Wisconsin designed to slowly introduce kangaroo into the U.S. market.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


As my friends are probably tired of hearing, I think of Thanksgiving as a sortof gateway between the season of guilt (beginning with Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) into a season of unfettered greed, crass commercialism, and selfishness: the winter Holidays. You see, after Thanksgiving comes what a good friend calls Black Friday, which is the biggest shopping day of the year in the US, when retailers can best count on getting in to the black. And then there are all the historical fallacies and political nightmares surrounding this holiday.

When you come right down to it though, Thanksgiving is about food. Every family has its own traditions, its own recipes - some secret, some not - and its own idiosyncrasies. My family gathers, en masse, at the home of whichever relative calls it first - this usually happens around Passover, because whoever hosts doesn't have to worry about driving home, and gets the best/most leftovers - sits around a big table, drinks too much wine, eats too much...errrr....everything, and talks a bit too much about politics. A true Washington Thanksgiving!

Which brings us back to the food. Pictured above is something I wish I'd thought of, or at least seen earlier: a gelatin turkey. Technically, yes, it's a Cornish game hen, but these details certainly do not diminish the comedic potential and horrified reactions my relatives would have if I brought such a thing. She used lite evaporated milk and a bit of green food coloring to cloud and tint watermelon Jell-O, though from my previous experience making brain Jell-O, you can use cottage cheese, too (if you like your turkey chunky, that is).

What are your favorite things to make for Thanksgiving??? Leave your recipe in the comments.

My traditional Thanksgiving contribution, however, is Pecan Pie, largely because I'm the only cooking member of my family who doesn't find it revolting. My recipe is ridiculously easy, and goes something like this:

1 9-inch unbaked pie shell (buy frozen if you must, but be clear a graham cracker one will. not. work.)

3 eggs (you can use egg beaters -- no problem)
1 cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
1/2 cup dark corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons rum
1/4 cup butter, melted
1 cup shelled pecans (halves are fine)
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 tablespoon sugar

Preheat oven to 375 degrees

Beat eggs in a medium-size bowl until they are light-colored and fluffy.

Add the brown sugar, corn syrup, salt and four tablespoons of the rum and stir by hand with a spoon until the
Sugar is dissolved and the ingredients are thoroughly mixed.

Stir in the butter and pecans. Pour into the pie shell and bake for 40
minutes or until a knife inserted in the filling comes out clean.

Let cool; you can reheat at about 150 degrees 10 minutes before serving.

Serve with whipped cream, to which you have added the remaining two
tablespoons of rum and the tablespoon of sugar.

When I make whipped cream, I generally add about 1/4 teaspoon of vanilla.
This is not necessary, but I think it gives a nice touch.

Dark rum probably works best with this pie, but any kind will do.

Looking for a menu online?

I don't know about you, but if you are a foodie and übergeek like myself (and my fiancé), you probably use the internet to do your research on the restaurants you potentially want to visit. This of course involves the ubiquitous google search for your favorite place, to look at their website and menu offerings. I've come to realize that not every restaurant has a webpage or menu online, and now Menupix tries to fill the void. Search by neighborhood and/or cuisine to find the address, type of cuisine, whether it delivers or not, and its menu (if available).

Ongoing Battle of Cheap Eats

Just in time for the influx of cold-weather tourists to our fair city, CNN has compiled and posted a list of "cheap" places to eat well in DC. These sorts of lists seem designed to generate controversy, but hey - we don't shy from controversy around here. My take on the entries on CNN's list about which I know anything:

2. Ben's Chili Bowl. I love it, and I fully support sending tourists there very late at night: we need to thin the herd!

3. Lauriol Plaza. Why does this place consistently make every single "cheap eats" list in DC?? It's in no way cheap, the lines are awful, and the food is just so-so. You can so infinitely better at Dos Gringos, Mixtec, or any of the tiny Salvadorian and Ecuadorian places on the Hill. Ugh!

7. Leftbank. Whuuuh? It's expensive. I've never had good service (OK, I've only been twice, but still...). The food is so-so. It's expensive. We also don't need any more tourists on 18th street.

8. The Diner. See 7, above, except I love a few of the servers.

10. Moby Dick House of Kabob. Now we're talking. Except, uhm, it's really a carry-out place.

Where would you send visitors on a budget? Please distinguish where you'd send people you like (Oohhs and Aahhs for mac+cheese) versus people you don't like (Anacostia Park for sunset).

Food, Transit, and a bit of an SOB

In our usual self-congratulatory fashion, we're proud to announce that today is the second anniversary of the Smorgasblog Media Empire, the very loose comglomerate of blogs encompassing DCFUD, Thrown for a Loop, Live from the Third Rail, and two blogs emeritus: DCSOB and Pretending Along.

So thanks to all our loyal readers who've been with us since the beginning, back in the days when rj3 almost got fired for his personal blogging and decided that, in retaliation, we should create the "Venn diagram of group blogs". And Smorgasblog was born.

Since then, rj3 has resigned as DCSOB and moved on to the windy city, taking his blog with him. Zaf came along and started DCFUD. And the rest is, well, history.

We couldn't have done it without our loyal writers (on the sidebar), including stand-up stand-in editor mjf. So thanks to everyone.

And in our continual spirit of slowly taking over an incredibly small corner of the blog-o-sphere, we're always interested in looking for more bloggers and group blogs. If you have an idea for a great group blog or are interested in joining as a writer for DCFUD or another blog, feel free to drop us a line. Direct emails to the dcfud.writers@gmail.com address, as we're too lazy to open another gmail account at the moment.

Nice muffins

This guest blog is by Erin over at at The Kitchenette

Yesterday’s New York Times food cover revealed that the Food Network hired Rachel Ray because “she’s sexy but not threatening.”

Well, well, well… seems the Network knows a potential FHM pinup girl when they see one. Playfully licking chocolate off a wooden spoon? Sucking on a strawberry? Quick, easy…meals.

Rachel posed for the men’s magazine two years ago and definitely lived up to the network’s expectations. She’s sexy (clearly) but way too red-checkered, banjo-playing country girl to be anything near threatening. She doesn’t come close to the dark, mystical powers of say, Nigella Lawson, but that isn’t her style. Tyra or Carmen may seem out of our league (because they are) but Rachel has got that spunk that screams homegrown girl-next-door, just the way we like it. In the kitchen, her 40-dollar, 30-minute recipes (though they often run long) are catered to the hyper-stressed working mother or frugal family.

I like the bent-over, let’s get this turkey in the oven shot. She’s not hiding the fact that she likes a good piece of bird, even if it is a bit greasy or gets stuck in her teeth. And hey, the heat from the oven is a little much, so how about we forget the festive sweaters and strip down to the bare essentials—black bra and lace-lined checkered skirt. None of this Martha Stewart turtleneck business.

The chocolate sauce shot is the most erotic, hands down. The happy-go lucky Rachel has stopped giggling for a second. A bit subdued. A bit enigmatic. It’s as if she’s hiding something. She has let chocolate’s aphrodisiac powers get the best of her. Who could say no to a lil’ chocolate? Warm and smooth, something’s definitely about to go down easy.

Simply put, strawberries are sweet, just like Rachel. But the berry has an undeniably seductive appeal. Strawberries are not crunched or chomped like pears or apples. They are licked and sucked, gently nibbled. People use strawberry-scented lotions and oils to feel sexy-- Bath and Body works has made a business out of it. Rachel’s signature Cheeseburger Salads and Super Sloppy Joes may seem unsexy, but she sure makes a strawberry look appetizing.

Last but not least, the colander shot. Rachel makes you want to jump into the soap bubble bath with her. Clean as she may be, the suds smothered all over her legs seem a bit dirty.

Just for the record, Food Network encouraged Rachel to pose for FHM and contrary to assumptions, Rachel didn't get a penny for it. She did get plenty of drooling fans ready to take a bite out of her fresh-baked pies and turkey. Break me off a piece of that… Cracked Corn and Cheese Square.

One of two reasons to wear a costume to work

Just for the record, the Read Before You Eat list currently stands at 5:

Kitchen Confidential- Anthony Bourdain
Hey Waitress- Alison Owings
The Man Who Ate Everything- Jeffrey Steingarten
Salt- Mark Kurlansky
What Einstein Told His Cook- Robert L. Wolke

Well, I know it’s already been out for 6 months, but Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl has just made the cut by successfully making me re-think every single restaurant meal I’ve ever sat down to.

No, really. You may have liked the little apology canapés that the kitchen sent you last time the server spilled your drink, but compared to the royal treatment given to food critics, that’s Purina. The service gets better. The wait gets shorter. Even the size of the berries in the desert gets bigger. As the food critic for the New York Times, Reichl’s recognizable face meant that she had to use fake names, credit cards, wigs, and stage makeup to extract fair reviews.

She even manages to avoid the saccharine Oprah-isms that mar her previous two books, Tender at the Bone and Comfort Me With Apples (which are both otherwise fabulous, by the way)… till the very last chapter. At that point you might as well just scan for plot. It’s hard to criticize what is basically a memoir for becoming too self-centered, but even so, some of the symbolism that she reads into her costumes smacks of angst.

That aside, this is probably the best book I can think of to throw some light on the seedy world of high-level restaurant reviewing. You will finish it wondering if there are actually two different restaurants inhabiting every dining space: the one the reviewers are experiencing, and the one the rest of us go to. The result is something like a culinary cross between Black Like Me and The Truman Show.

The Yuppie threat

Blogger The Poor Man on yuppies and food:

I was a yuppie in a past life, and it has definite advantages. For one, the food is good. It’s absurdly good. Yuppies love good food, and always live near the best restaurants. Fact. Indeed, quality restaurants located in non-yuppie areas are quickly “discovered” by yuppies, and spoken about, in hushed tones, as “this little neighborhood place I found”, which, when you finally arrive, turns out to have a clientele consisting of two Mexicans and fifty billion slumming yuppies. For, like bees, yuppies send out unconscious pheremonal signals to each other which communicate the exact location of all fine eateries in a fifty-mile location, which they then swarm relentlessly, until the place is turned into a wasteland of boutique beer and ‘funky*‘ There is no defense, because nobody can afford to eat out as much as yuppies.

Luckilly, DC is a little more immune to this for a few reasons. First of all, long-time Washingtonians are stubborn. Ben's Chili Bowl and the Florida Avenue Grill are sure as heck not going to double the prices and start selling Samuel Smith Organic Oatmeal Stout to wash down the half-smokes (now with fresh cilantro!). Secondly, more than many other places, Washingtonians eat and do business at the same time. The choice of overpriced downtown reataurant is part of the elaborate ritual by which allies and enemies are evaluated. Ironing out a deal over legislation is not going to happen if the parties can't shake hands because they have limited injera-manipulation skills and thus goopy sauce-covered paws.

Does this mean that DC's great, cheap restaurants are immune from the delerious effects of yuppies? Heck no - they can be demolished to make new condos. for people who want "urban living" without meeting actual urbanites.

Food Porn: The Untold Story

Hey...I didn't order a pizza...
(cue music: bowmp chica bomp-bomp chica bow-wow)

Sure, we've all tossed around the term "food porn" more than a few times. Some accuse magazines like Gourmet and Bon Appetit of propagating it. Hey, even this website could be considered one form.

But journalist and author Frederick Kaufman, who has just published the book A Short History Of The American Stomach, has taken the thought one step further. He's accusing the Food Network of being nothing more than Food Porn in its purest form. And no, we're not just talking about the misty lens and low-cut tops featured on "Everyday Italian".

Some of Kaufman's points about the network - its reliance on sound effects, its camera angles, etc., are well-taken. But Rachael Ray as the "innocent girl next door"? Tyler Florence as the aforementioned salacious pizza man? The guy may be taking a few liberties with his analogies.

But judge for yourself: Check out a transcript of his discussion with On The Media here

Rail-inspired Cuisine Event

In what has to be one of the first rail/food crossover events, the Smithsonian Resident Associate program has announced a rail cuisine inspired event: Dining by Rail: A Soot-to-Souffle Journey. On Wednesday, November 2nd, the program will host rail historian James D. Porterfield, author of Dining by Rail and From the Dining Car, and will serve a four course dinner of authentic rail fare, prepared by guest chef Warren C. McLeod.

The menu includes:

• Oven Roasted Butternut Squash Soup
  
• Smoked Tomato Bretonne
  
• Marinated 7 Grilled Salmon Pooled in a Corn Puree with a Black Bean Salsa
  
• Fruit Upiside-Down Pudding
  

We, unfortunately, won't be attending but we'd love to hear from anyone who does.

Tickets are $95. The event begins at 6:30 p.m. on November 2nd. Click here for more details.

Seeking Quality Andouille & Gumbo Recipes

From the DCFUD mailbox, a reader writes in with an important question:

I have to make a big New Orleans dinner for a fundraiser. Do you know where I can buy good andouille in DC? Is there a bakery that sells beignets and King Cake? And can a gumbo or jambalaya be made ahead of time, in whole or part? Any information you might want to share would be so much appreciated - the fundraiser is for my son, who lost his house, car, everything but the shirt off his back.

For andouille, we recommend checking out Whole Foods or Wegmans. As for a gumbo or jambalaya recipe, we don't have any great ones, but we bet some of our readers have some great recipes and recommendations.

As for us, whenever we're craving jambalaya, gumbo, or beignets, we head over to the best creole restaurant in the city, if not on the entire east coast: Bardia's New Orleans Cafe. I'd imagine they'd be happy to sell their beignets and jambalaya in bulk, especially for a fund raiser. Bardia's is located at 2412 18th Street NW in Adams Morgan, and they can be reached at 202-234-0420.

Any other suggestions out there from our readers? Feel free to post in the comments below or, if you'd rather, contact us directly via email.

Image courtesy The Georgetown Hoya.

Book Report: Heartburn

Have you ever been unceremoniously dumped? Then read Nora Ephron's Heartburn. This book is for the foodie with a broken heart. It's set in Washington, D.C and is a treatise on heartbreak and food. I know Nora Ephron is responsible for some of the worst movies ever made (e.g., You've Got Mail!). But this book is written in the wry, acerbic voice of When Harry Met Sally and not the gloppy, saccharine voice of Sleepless in Seattle.

Based on her own experience being cheated on by Carl Bernstein -- when she was seven months pregnant -- Heartburn chronicles the history of Rachel Samstat's relationship with her husband Mark and her discovery that he's been unfaithful. The hook is that Rachel's a food writer. The book consists of her brilliant observations of life ("Show me a woman who cries when the trees lose their leaves and I'll show you a real asshole"), food ("Anyone who wants to write about food would do well to stay away from similies and metaphors because if you're not careful, expressions like 'light as a feather' make their way into your sentences.") and relationships. Interspersed are some very dated recipes. This is the 70's, before the 80's health craze, and it's reflected in her recipes. For example, her Chez Helene Bread Pudding recipe calls for 2 cups of sugar and 2 sticks of butter. She has a recipe for sorrel soup and I've never seen sorrel in my life.

Recipes aside, it's her voice, the wonderful New York voice, that is the key to the book. She constantly observes the vissicitudes of love with a healthy sense of humor and a great deal of cynicism. For example, she writes about her therapist's analysis that Rachel "picked the one person on earth you shouldn't be involved with," by saying "There's nothing brilliant about that - that's life...Robert Browning's shrink probably said to him, 'So Robert, it's very interesting, no. Of all the women in London, you pick a hopeless invalid who has a crush on her father." And then she breaks my heart and the heart of every hard-core amateur cook with this observation, "I loved to cook so I cooked. And then the cooking became a way of saying I love you. And then the cooking became the easy way of saying I love you. And then the cooking becamse the only way of saying I love you. ..every so often I would look at my friends who were happily married and didn't cook and I would always find myself wondering how they did it."

The Ultimate Acting Job: Iron Chef Body Double

Want to know what the coolest acting job in the world is? It's getting to be Bobby Flay's body double for Iron Chef America. And guess who got the job? A friend of zaf's, rj3's and mine from college. You can hear more about it on his video log here and even see "his" apperances on the show.

Cravings For Life

All right, so it's not that I'm exactly on a diet. But my friends Kevin and Jess started the Body For Life exercise and eating plan a couple of weeks ago. Within one evening, I went from mocking them heavily to flirting with the idea of trying it myself.

And now, even though I'm not nearly as hardcore as they are (and if I ever go up to you in an earnest voice and tell you that you should "shoot for progress, not perfection", just shoot ME), I have been trying to balance my carbs and proteins, eat smaller meals, and exercise every day. I've always been anti-diet, so I'm even skeptical of myself here, and if I start hating my body or food in the process, I'm quitting promptly.

In the meantime, the fact that I'm cutting back at ALL has caused my body to shoot straight into Craving Mode. Doesn't matter if I wasn't eating that badly before - now all of a sudden junk food haunts my days and my dreams. These are the top 10 foods I've been missing these past two and a half weeks:

Nachos Bellgrande: Dude, I've been to Taco Bell maybe once in the past three years. I haven't been a fan since high school, and usually am all about its various nicknames, from Toxic Hell to Taco Smell...but for some reason (perhaps a late-night commerical?), I lie awake at night thinking about that liquid cheese. It's kind of pathetic.

Reduced Fat Pringles: If they're reduced fat, they must be permissible, right? Not if you're like me, and take their "Once you pop, you can't stop!" slogan to heart, devouring them by the can. I prefer the reduced fat ones to the original because of their lighter, crispier quality. I just wish I could treat them with self-control.

Ramen Noodles. For being someone who cooks reasonably well, invests a decent amount of money on groceries, and doesn't let a busy schedule interfere with her time in the kitchen, I eat a lot of Ramen noodles. I can't help it! They're cheap, they're salty, and I love making dishes like "I Can't Believe It's Just Ramen", where I jazz them up with dark-meat chicken, mushrooms and spices. But the sodium content's ridiculous, the carbs are junk ones and one packet actually supposedly holds two servings (what?). Alas, they must be cut down.

Pineapple Fried Rice: So it's not as commonplace as, say, cheese or chocolate, but it nearly killed me to go into a Thai restaurant and pass this old standard by. It's the unbeatable combination of sweet and savory.

Pizza: We can all get snobby and say our favorite foods are paella or crab (I know I do), but do we really enjoy anything as much as we do pizza? And if you're from the Midwest, you grow up thinking pepperoni is the ONLY suitable topping – not exactly the best choice for those avoiding fat.

Chick-Fil-A Nuggets: I worship at the altar of Chick-Fil-A and its pressure-cooked goodness. Kevin and I used to have a ritual where we'd pick some up before fencing class each week, and scarf them down before bouting (such an inspired idea). Those days are gone.

Duck, Thai-style: All right, so the list is a little Asian-influenced. I spend all my time at Thai/Vietnamese/Chinese restaurants, and you can only have so much steamed shrimp
and broccoli. Duck has the double-whammy of usually being fried (I've tried it steamed; it's not the same) AND being quite a fatty little creature. But oh, that glistening, crispy skin...

Sour Candy: I'm a lucky woman - I don't like sweet stuff, so this list is relatively candy/cookie/chocolate-free, and I'm none the worse for it. But sour candy is the only thing that can consistently get my sweet tooth. Ice-Breakers and their sugar-free sour drops are somewhat saving me here, but they still don't hold a candle to Sour Patch Kids. Or Sour Skittles. Or anything by the Warhead/Crybaby Tears brand. Or Sour Straws...

Garlic Bread: Yeah, yeah. I could probably justify eating some bastardized version, with whole wheat bread and fake butter. But wouldn't that just be blasphemy? Garlic Bread would definitely be served at my last meal before execution, no matter what it would be accompanying.

Those disgusting 7-Eleven breakfast concoctions: All right, I've probably had one of their cheddar/sausage english muffins a total of five times in my life. But that doesn't mean that after stopping in the convenience store this morning to buy skim milk, I didn't think about the greasy, almost-liquid-white-castle-meat combos during my entire 45 minute commute...

I certainly am not giving up any of these foods forever; in fact, the plan lets me eat whatever I want at least one day a week. I didn't even mention That Ingredient Which Shall Not Be Named, which will always be a part of my life. But regardless, wish me luck in my 12-week struggle.

Cannoli

I love cannoli. It might be my favorite dessert, except I don't get it often enough to tell. You only ever get it at Italian restaurants, and even they often only have 'ice cream cannoli' or somesuch nonsense, or none at all. My memories of cannoli are easily traced back to the dearly departed Floriana Ristorante, where Matisse is now. Floriana may have made the perfect cannoli, or it could be over-idealized in my memory.

So, you can imagine my excitmglee when I saw the big stack of cannoli on the counter today at the Galileo Grill. For those who don't know, the Galileo Grill is, when open, the Best Thing to Do For Lunch in DC. Superstar chef Roberto Donna himself stands behind a counter, between it and the grill itself, making your sandwiches and scooping your soup and handing you your pizza, meatballs, or ribs.

Today I had the pork shoulder sandwich with provolone, broccoli rabe and green sauce, a selection always praised by Mr. Donna as his favorite. It was very tasty, but it was a little greasier than would be ideal, and one of my co-workers found she couldn't get her mouth around the thickly-stacked sandwich (I did not have that problem).

And I had a cannoli. The best cannoli, in my mind, do not involve chocolate; the textural necessities of the pastry, I believe, generally make the chocolate mousse too light for my taste. Galileo's has a 'light side' and a 'chocolate side' the former of which I much preferred. It had a delicious, creamy ricotta filling, topped with pistachios and hiding little bits of candied fruit in the very center. The chocolate side, unfortunately, did fall in line with other cannolis, being a bit too light and fluffy and not enough CHOCOLATE for my tastes. This is not at all to say I didn't thoroughly enjoy it, and won't be getting it again ASAP. The light, crispy shell was perfect, and it fell apart in the last few bites, leaving me to lick the last gooey bits of filling from my fingers. Dignified I was not - luckily my office has a door!

At $8 for the sandwich (rabe and provolone extra), $2.50 for the cannoli - a very good deal!

The Galileo Grill
1110 21st St. NW
Washington, DC 20036
202.293.7191

More Love For Fud

First The Washingtonian, this week, On Tap Magazine. The guide to relieving boredom offers a shoutout to Fud, Fun Things To Do In DC, DCist, The DCeiver and Wonkette, calling us "Blogs We Love."

Why are we so special? According to the article, Fud "teaches even the most hopeless of us where and how to eat." We also get some appreciation for refusing to look down on bar food and snacks. There's even a picture of us!

Apparently a lack of snobbery can get you major props in this town. At least occasionally.

Sometimes your past catches up to you

Weight Watchers recipe cards, circa 1974 are something that you just need to experience on your own.

Woo hoo! New FUD writers!

Thank god some folks are such serious gluttons for punishment. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to present you with our new DCFud writers. We’ve roped them in with offers of fame and fortune and now their culinary writing will be ours, all ours!

Patrick (PKG)
PKG has got our restaurant reviews and recipes covered. He also plans to write about the joys and thrills of outdoor charcoal grilling, since he’s threatening to buy a sophisticated infrared thermometer just so he can measure grill temperature as a function of number of Kingsford briquettes.

Avram (SouperAvram)
SouperAvram's not much of a cook, or even much of a writer, but DCFud's unofficial Free Food Offer Correspondent is known for going to great lengths to NOT pay for food, from hounding corporate offices to standing in line for hours at a time just to get a decent deal.

Chunae (CZ)
Chunae is on a Socratic quest for the best food and is determined to find it. He's not sure at what point he turned into a foodie, but he thinks the advent of FoodTV had something to do with it.

Jenn (JEB)
JEB is a lover of food and drink, and even though she has taken several classes about wine, she believes that there is no better way to learn than to taste.

TC Duong (TDC)
With no professional "cred" at all, TCD continues to find new venues to spout off about cooking and dining because he does both all the damn time. He and his partner J run the DCFood Blog. Their wedding was described as a Quaker, social justice, feminist, anti-racist, Southern barbecue, pan Asian fusion, and scent free wedding.

Culture, Class, and Dinner

Today's article for discussion:

Let them Eat Canned Tomatoes

"For the newer generation, a love for traditional fine cuisine is cast as fussy and snobbish, while spending lots of money is, curiously, considered egalitarian and wise. I object to this equation. Shopping is the province of the privileged; fine cooking is not. Indeed, great cuisine arose from privation."

Julie Powell discusses the foods we eat, what they say about class and decency, and how that can be misread.

(Bonus mention of Brillat-Savarin!)

Washingtonian Loves Us

Well look at that - we got a mention in the Washingtonian Online. Man oh man, do I feel like a slacker now for being on vacation at the moment. Thanks, Washingtonian!

Congrats are also due to DCFoodies' excellent Jason Storch and our own new writer TCD of the DC Food Blog.

Woohoo! And such.

If I had 131 dollars...

...I would SO be into attending this event being held tomorrow. Perhaps other Fud-readers are in better financial shape than I am.

The S. Dillon Ripley Center at the Smithsonian will hold an all-day workshop, "Food Writing For Food Lovers," this Saturday, led by Dianne Jacob, author of Will Write For Food: The Complete Guide To Writing Restaurant Reviews, Cookbooks, Recipes, Stories and More. In the morning, there will be workshops and tutorials to help writers find their style.

In the afternoon, however, there will be three impressive appearances: Kim Severson of The New York Times, Jeffrey Steingarten from Vogue and DC's own Tom Sietsema from The Washington Post. Attendees will get to hear their words of wisdom in a panel discussion, with Severson on trends, Steingarten giving personal appearances, and Sietsema - in disguise, of course - letting us know his reviewing methodology. Sadly, though, your $131 admission won't even buy you lunch at this shindig.

Would it be wrong for me to cancel on my good friend visiting from NYC and just throw this on my credit card? Sigh, I suppose so. If anyone ends up going, well, then, we're expecting an article on it. And it better be good; you're learning from the best!

Slurps up

Today's 7/11. Do those numbers ring a bell?

If they bring to mind a ubiquitous convenience store chain, you're onto something. DCist beats us to the punch to inform you that in honor of the date, 7-Eleven gives out free 7.11 oz Slurpees each year to customers.

In the interest of not completely turning into www.DcFreeFud.com, we won't bore you further, but find your nearest location on the company's website. The chain has over 20 locations in the District alone.

What's your favorite Slurpee flavor?

A Bit of Internet with Your Coffee

There are those among us here at DCFUD who cannot be separated from our computers. I'm among the worst, especially as I often spend large portions of my day working in coffee shops. For those of you with the same addictions as me, here are a list of places I know of with wireless (wifi) internet for partrons.

Spiced Up Snacks

When it comes to potato chips, I generally think of them in four flavor categories: Regular, Sour Cream and Onion, BBQ, and Probably Inedible. Perhaps the tides are turning, but can chips flavored with Norwegian Lobster and Tientsin peppers really be good? Too many times have I been fooled by a New Flavor!, like "Spicy Salsa" or somesuch, that turns out to be all sugar and no spice.

A recent report from the UK says that the market for spicier, more exotic flavors is increasing rapidly, due to a more world-wise population with more adventurous tastes. I certainly hope that this is true, because I cannot wait to try Sage or Cantonese Black Bean flavored chips. Yum!

I cannot wait for Cantonsese Black Bean chips to hit my local vending machine.

Searching For Blogging Foodies (and a more eloquent way to phrase that)

So you love to write. You love to eat. You’re dying to find a way to combine your obsessions.

Sounds like you’re a great candidate to be a DCFüd writer. This month, our website is eagerly looking for new voices to add to our staff.

Say you’ve tried out a new restaurant and think Tom Sietsema is crazy for giving it 2 stars. Or you’ve got a great family recipe you’re just dying to share with the D.C. community. Or you just have a really passionate opinion on which local joint serves the best falafel.

Our style is informative, but casual. If you think you’d like to write, just toss a couple writing samples, or a few story ideas, to dcfud.writers@gmail.com. We’re hoping to hear from you!

Chefs on the Mall

Are you a celebrity chef stalker (some of us have already admitted as much)? Do hearing the names Emeril Lagasse or Charlie Palmer get you more excited than spotting Christina Aguilera or Christian Bale on the street?

If you follow the D.C. restaurant scene, purchase cookbooks like they're crack or want to see people like Roberto Donna in action, you should check out the Smithsonian Folklife Festival's Food Culture USA. Events begin today.

This is the first time the festival's taking on food as one of its themes, and it will feature book signings, three areas for cooking demonstrations and lectures and events dedicated to various food topics, such as immigrant cooking, slow food and farmers' markets.

Tons of big names are stopping by for signings and demonstrations, including national figures like Brad Ogden and Sheila Lukens, or local stars such as The Inn at Little Washington’s Patrick O'Connell, Zola's Frank Morales, Nongkran Daks of Thai Basil (who's among those quoted in the New York Times' preview of the festival), as well as the aforementioned Donna, Palmer and LaGasse.

D.C. restaurants are getting into the spirit once evening rolls around. Bangkok Joe’s will offer a rice tasting menu through July 4; Charlie Palmer's hosts a wine and farm dinner tonight, and Red Sage will host the Beard Foundation's Best Chef Southwest Janos Wilder tomorrow evening. Additional events are scheduled through July 4.

The festival's website has a schedule of events posted.

And if you're still looking for more foodie fun down at the mall, you can always visit Julia Child's Kitchen over at the Natural History Museum.

Taste Testing

For farmers, making sure that only the most marketable goods leave the farm is crucial to business, and agriculturalists have long sought better ways to test and examine their produce. Now, USDA researchers have developed a laser taste-testing system that measures the sweetness, acidity, and texture of apples and peaches quickly and non-invasively. It's the latter that's critical: traditionally testing is done on samples taken from each batch, which reduces yield and sale volume.

This new technique promises better and more efficient quality controls, but will the cost be over-homogenization? Customers want a consistent product - an apple should taste like an apple, etc. - but at some point we could lose all the variation that is so exciting about good fresh produce: sometimes you bite into an apple that's just amazing, and it's a great surprise. If they all tasted that way, where's the fun?

A Couple's Cookbook: The Solution To Your Wedding-gift Woes

Wedding season is here � I�ve already been to two, and it�s only early May. Bridal registries usually offer plenty of gift choices for foodie couples and the foodies who love them (though we may turn our noses up at their brand of knife set or their decision to put a George Foreman instead of a food processor on their wish list).

But sometimes a deep fat fryer or an overpriced blender strike you as too impersonal a gift for a close friend. That�s how I felt when I perused the registry of Rachel, my best friend from high school, who is getting married on Saturday. I racked my brains for an idea she would love, something I would enjoy giving her which would fall within my meager budget. The choice was clear: I would make her Cooking As A Couple, a homemade wedding cookbook for her and her husband.

This cookbook can take your friends through their first year as a couple, providing recipes for dinner parties, anniversary meals, holidays (their first Thanksgiving is an important one), and less momentous occasions like having-the-in-laws-over-for-the-first-time, or quick dinners for busy nights.

Every couple has to cook, and producing something homemade and personal will make this gift special. But it�s not the easiest project in the world, so here�s some advice from someone who�s been through the process.

1). Homemade doesn�t equal free: There are a lot of different styles you can use to create the hard copy of your cookbook. I did the recipes on the computer, but I designed the book as a scrapbook, gluing in pictures, stickers and other accents to give it a more colorful, homey presentation. But as someone who doesn�t normally spend her weekends scrap-booking, I had no idea how much those little scrapbook supplies cost at Michael�s�between albums, pages, and accessories, it cost me about $60. Plan to shop carefully or shell out some dough�or decide to go with a more bare bones presentation.

2) Make it personal. Try to make your cookbook as individualized as possible. For example, I know Rachel hates broccoli, so I�m not going to include a recipe for broccoli cheese soup in the book. She and her fianc� like hosting gatherings for their friends from their church, so I�ve got a section called "church gatherings". They love Indian food, so their anniversary dinner is an Indian feast. Rather than recipes for a Superbowl party, I have recipes for a Purdue Party, since that�s the team they root for. The more it seems specially designed for them, they more they�ll appreciate it.

3) Play to your strengths, and use your resources. I went through my recipes and figured out the best ones to share before I outlined the cookbook itself. I noticed I had a lot of chicken soup recipes, as well as many Mexican food options � those turned into sections for Cinco de Mayo parties, and tips for nursing your spouse back to health. If you�re a cook who loves making Italian sauces, have a section of weekend projects they can do together, and include the sauce recipes there.

Also, don�t be afraid to share recipes from other cooks you know (ZAF�s recipe for compound butter made an appearance in mine), from books you have, or even from the Food Network � this book isn�t being published, so plagiarism is more than acceptable. Plus, it�s a lot easier to cut-and-past Rachel Ray�s recipe for Curry Turkey Burgers than write out all the steps you take to make your grandmother�s puttanesca sauce. Provide a nice mix of personal and borrowed recipes, and just make sure these are all dishes you�ve cooked with success.

4) Leave yourself plenty of time: A homemade cookbook is not a project to embark upon a week before the rehearsal dinner. I gave myself about two months to complete mine, and I�m still finishing up. Allow yourself a day to choose your recipes, time to design your cookbook�s content and style, quite a few nights to type up all your recipes, a day to go shopping for supplies, and some final days to put everything together.

Sound like too much work? Here are some other food-related wedding gift ideas:

*Find out where they�re going on their honeymoon. Research the restaurants there, and treat them to a gift certificate to a fancy, expensive restaurant there � complete with reservations.

*Get them a make-your-own recipe file, and stick in a couple of your favorite recipes as a starting gift. Include a subscription to Gourmet or Cooking Light magazine.

*Sign them up for a cooking class they can take together, from sushi-making to pastry design.

*Pay for them to go on a wine-tasting excursion together.

*Food-of-the-month club memberships. I find these a little overpriced, but whether cheeses or chocolates are their favorite temptation, this is a gift that lasts all year. Or you can go regional and send them some crabs from Baltimore, or some lobsters from Maine.

*Hire them a personal chef for a day � a good option for couples who are homebodies and not as interested in going out to a restaurant.

runnin' up that hill

Clearly, the problem with America's growing waistline was that the government's guidelines were just too simple. Where's the fun in that? In an effort to combat this thoughtcrime, Chef Big Brother presents the ominous-sounding Food Guidance System. And it turns out vertical is the new horizontal. And while our forebearers had to make do with a mere single pyramid, citizens can now choose between... twelve?

Confused yet? I didn't even mention the colors and the symbols. We live in interesting times. Read some overviews at the Washington Post, or CBS. Or, if you are feeling brave, let the USDA take you inside the pyramid...

At this time, there has been no comment from the Puppet Formerly Known as Cookie Monster.

Countdown to bacteria!

Countdown: amg and zaf are one week away from going all 'roving reporter' on you.

Starting next Monday the restaurant-review-writing staff at FUD will be decreased by two. Instead, you will find new descriptions of deadly food poisoning in Thailand, Japan, Australia, Vietnam, Malaysia, and Cambodia, and other wild crazy places where they don�t speak a word of the local language. Alright, they probably won't find death via tastiness in Japan. And they should be able to master the dialect in Australia with the help of intensive classes.

Nevertheless! This leaves us with an important order of business- what they will eat on the way over there! Thankfully there is a website devoted to just such a topic, There is no excuse for not checking out Airline Meals.

With vintage airline catering advertisements, clandestine pictures, menus, notes about those 'special meals' offered by each airline, and crew meal listings, this site manages to make you both nauseous and hungry at the same time. Sort of how I feel thinking about yummy Bangkok fish and their free side serving of intestinal parasites.

T is for Trauma (it's good enough for me)

As part of a new 'Healthy Habits for life' push of Sesame Street, Cookie Monster will be giving up his chocolate chip habit in favor of advocating vegetables. No, I swear to god I'm not joking. When I stumbled onto this tidbit from the Courtney Knapp blog I assumed it was a prank.

And then I saw cookie monster's new song: �A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food�

Now, maybe it's just my old fashioned sense of rhythm, but seeing as how I still occasionally belt out 'C is for cookie' in the shower, I just can't understand how this is supposed to improve national good looks. You know, birds actually never grow more than four or five feet at most- we're ruining our children's bird-identification skills by having a Big Bird character. And Oscar the Grouch promotes bad hygiene and advocates homelessness. /rant

Anyway, new characters will include talking eggplants and carrots- like that will help people with the moral dilemma of what it's alright to eat. At least the cookies never asked to be eaten. This is like some bizarre remake of that scene in Restaurant at the End of the Universe where the cow suggests everyone munch on his thigh.

Turning Japanese

Aah, Hawaii. This DCFuder just returned from Oahu and she can still picture the azure waves... The gently swaying palm trees... The amazing numbers of Japanese tourists! And there wasn't an obese one among them. I was so boggled by this lack of body fat that I consumed record amounts of Japanese food while I was in Hawaii just to see what the deal was and wanted to continue eating it FOREVER once I returned home.

Thus inspired, I signed up for the Japanese Sushi class through Arlington's Continuing Education program. On two consecutive Tuesdays, I huddled in the kitchen classroom at the Clarendon Education Center with a dozen other students. It's a simple kitchen, but outfitted with all the essential equipment and a long table for the group to sit around. Mary Moore, youthful beyond her years and soon to be a great grandmother, led us through the basics of making sushi, Japanese dining etiquette and shopping. She is of Taiwanese descent, married an American serviceman and learned about Japanese food and culture during Japan's occupation of Taiwan. Now she teaches people how to make sushi and is a Tupperware consultant (Fate is a funny thing, huh?).

The first Tuesday was devoted to the introduction of ingredients, how to make rice and making our own maki sushi (sushi rolls). She guided us through ingredients (types and brands of rice, vinegar, nori, etc.), how to choose fresh fish, and how to find everything at the grocery store. She was excellent about circulating around the room, giving pointers and answering questions as she went. One caveat: She loves chatting so much that sometimes things got left on the back burner, literally. Luckily some of my classmates were sharp enough to save our sushi seasoning and shepherd the rice to its happy, fluffy conclusion without many hitches. From there we learned the basic techniques of spreading the rice on our nori (the seaweed wrapper), filling it with ingredients, rolling everything up and slicing the roll into correctly proportioned pieces. I made one batch of classic vegetable rolls and one batch of simple tuna rolls, but I could have made more. When you receive your prep list for class and it says to bring a container for leftovers -- bring a big one! There were plenty of ingredients to go around and lots of rolls to be made.

But, the second class was where the real fun happened. Don't miss this class. There were noticeably fewer people in attendance for this class, which meant more sushi for everyone! Don't be the lazy one that skips this class and misses out on the really good stuff. Everyone pitched in to prep ingredients and we started off with California rolls, which are messy but fun. Then we progressed to nigiri (tuna, salmon, eel, egg, imitation crab, mackerel, shrimp) and tamaki (hand rolls). I made my tamaki with the spicy tuna mixture Mary whipped up and thought I made it look like a spicy tuna ice cream cone, but I can�t resist spicy tuna anything (if you want to know a secret about spicy tuna rolls, ask me). Overall the goal of the class is to familiarize you with the very basics and to have fun. So you want to make a roll with mayo, tuna, asparagus and that leftover cheese in your refrigerator? After the class you'll know the basics, so go for it. No one's guaranteeing it will taste any good, though (see below).

I was so excited by the class I decided to make a full sushi spread at home the very next weekend. but without classmates and an instructor to go grocery shopping; help prep the veggies; cook, fan and season the rice; slice the fish; make the wasabi; slice up oranges as an in-between-chore snack; and make tea (i.e. Do all the work), sushi making turned out to be a tiring production. The proportions of my rice to seasoning went disastrously wrong and I was left with a gelatinous, over-seasoned glump. I frantically mixed in plain rice, but ultimately ended up with hard little bullets of starch topped with thick and flabby fish slices. I was exhausted, covered in rice and vinegar, and left with endless amounts of barely edible sushi. My sushi had the texture you might experience when chewing gummy bears and squishy roasted red pepper slices at the same time, and just about as tasty.

Look to your left to see the offending sushi and note how the salmon slices could pass as mini steaks, and that is just platter #1. It was not the �bounty of the sea� feast that I envisioned and I realized that if the Mary Moore's class taught me one thing, it is to appreciate your sushi chef. To quickly and skillfully bring a platter of evenly sliced, attractively arranged, correctly seasoned sushi to your table is HARD. Don�t be fooled by the simplicity of sushi because if you underestimate it, it will kick your ass, karate style.

If you want to take the class:
Arlington County Adult Education
Look in the .pdf course catalog for the Japanese Sushi class.
Arlington Residents -- $72
Arlington Seniors -- $59 (lucky bastards)
Non-Residents -- $89
Non-Resident Seniors -- $72

Bring a chef's knife, towel, small cutting board, bamboo sushi mat and a large container for your leftovers. Parking is validated after 6:15PM in the Clarendon Common parking garage (enter on N. Fillmore Street).

If you prefer to have a sushi chef make it for you (a very short, sushi short list):
Sushi Ko
2309 Wisconsin Ave NW
Washington, DC 20007
202-333-4187

Kaz Sushi Bistro
1915 Eye Street NW
Washington, DC 20036
202-530-5500

The world has changed, old man

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue has gone to that great concentrated feedlot operation in the sky. The first person to sell brand-name chicken, Frank was part of a strange phenomenon in American culture until his retirement in 1991: The old man as innocuous corporate mascot.

Right alongside the Brooke Shieldses and Cindy Crawfords and Fabios of yesteryear stood the geezer-barons of food commerce: Perdue, Orville Redenbacher, Dave Thomas of Wendy's and the Bartyles and James wine cooler guys. Sure, they represented big, evil corporations that sold chemically-processed tripe we wouldn't get near if we had any idea how it was made (except maybe for the popcorn) but they did it in such an amiable, doddering way that one had to fight off the urge to buy the product simply to humor them.

But alas, the food spokesmen of today are a different breed entirely: The Arby's oven mitt and the annoying Quizno's baby show a culture now obsessed with condescending to youth instead of condescending to the elderly. Where did we go astray?

Public Service Announcement

To all you hundereds of folks getting here by searching for the string 'Freaky Rhino' on MSN, you've hit the wrong spot. Perhaps you wanted this site.

The only thing we can do with a freaky rhino here is cook it in a cream sause.

DCFUD Grades DC

And that's why he teaches Psychology

This isn�t exactly a restaurant review, but this is a great article in the City Paper about the dean of psychology at the University of Maryland who has eaten every day at Marcel�s for the last couple years.

If you want to read about someone who has truly come to terms with his food psychosis, this is the article for you.

http://restaurants.washingtoncitypaper.com/hungry.php?week=20050318

-Thanks to pmmj for the link

Where Will You Be Tonight?

At the hippest DJ night in town, of course.

Bluestate is back for time #3.

If anyone wants to get there early and eat dinner at Cafe Saint Ex, we'd love a report.

Get Your Kimchee!

A study from Seoul National University indicates that the famous and (sometimes, when it's good) delicious Korean dish kimchee helps fight off bird flu. Now all I need is to find some (or a recipe!)

Didn't Get the Results You Expected?

It's time for another installment of DCFUD's wacky and unexpected search results.

1. Props to maw for landing us a top 10 MSN hit for transvestites with this post.
2. Fud is #7 on MSN for grate white shark, a long-overdue topic which needs to be explored further in some sort of instructional post. One might want to freeze the shark first, to make for easier grating, wouldn't you say?
3. Breading on greyhound. Ick. Do you think they meant breeding on Greyhound? God we hope not. Maybe it was how to breed greyhounds. We are prepared to accept that.
4. Brown leather sofas. Mmmkay.
5. Hairy breast photographs. We can't find the post that allegedly contained these words, but that doesn't make it any less alarming. Nightmares, anyone? You're welcome! Please come again.

The Language of Food

My word-a-day e-mails follow a different theme each week, and last week's concerned eating and drinking:

Ebrious
1. Inclined to excessive drinking.
2. Tipsy.
[From Latin ebrius (drunk). Two cousins of this word are inebriated and sobriety.]
[Blogger's speculation: possibly related to Arabic word ibrik?]

Sitophobia
A morbid aversion to food
[From Greek sito- (food) + -phobia (fear, aversion).]
The word is also spelled as sitiophobia. Two related words are sitomania
(abnormal craving for food), and sitology (the study of nutrition).

Polyphagia
1. Excessive appetite or eating.
2. The habit of feeding on many kinds of food.
[From Modern Latin, from Greek polyphagia, from polyphagos, from poly- (much, many) + phagy (eating).]

Bibacious
Overly fond of drinking.
[From Latin bibere (to drink).]

Postprandial
After a meal, especially dinner.
[From Latin post- (after) + prandium (meal). Ultimately from Indo-European root ed- (to eat or to bite) that has given other words such as edible, comestible, obese, etch, and fret.]
Two siblings of this word are preprandial (before a meal) and prandial (relating to a meal).

A DCF�d Odessy

DCF�d writers ZAF, LAFB, RJ, SNH, MJF, and I gathered yesterday evening at ZAF (and AMG)�s place to cook and eat and be merry. LAFB and I began the evening by frightening ZAF and SNH with our nerdiness (a discussion of epidemiology, grad schools, and statistics), but quickly topics moved on to more appropriate things like music and transvestites and strippers. ZAF�s delicious guacamole kicked off the evening�s munchies, followed by MJF�s dumplings. I�m not sure what were in them exactly, but they were damn tasty�light and sweet and fresh tasting. ZAF roasted chickpeas into a bowl of dense, flavorful munchiness. SNH brought homemade bread (one of my favorite combination of words!). ZAF prepared a beautiful roast chicken, using compound butter and onions and things. Our penultimate course, it was really phenomenal.

Since my plan was to come directly from work, I was to create my dish from whatever ingredients happened to be available, plus sweet potatoes and carrots and radishes. So, it was going to be a procedural beef stew, the procedure being: add to pot; cook till done; spice till yummy. In went the beef (there wasn�t much, since it was scavenged from the freezer), more as a flavoring than main ingredient. First I cubed it, then browned it slightly in the pot with some sesame oil and kosher salt. Then I added water to the pot, plus some chicken bullion, and let that come to a boil. Once it had, I added two peeled and cubed sweet potatoes, about a half pound of baby carrots, about 10 radishes cut in two, and a bay leaf. Once it returned to a boil, I added ground allspice, ground ginger, and a bit of turmeric. I realized I�d probably added too much water, but hoped it would boil down. After a while, when the potatoes were nearly done (meaning: soft), there was still too much water, and the broth was not being very tasty. I added lots more allspice and ginger, a pinch or two rosemary, black pepper, and a few shakes paprika.

Tasty, but still too much liquid. LAFB searched the cupboards, and located a box of plain couscous, which I added to the boiling stew. I also threw in a small handful of chopped onion, left from ZAF�s chicken stuffing, mostly because it was there. The couscous cooked, absorbing almost all the liquid, making the stew more like a thick salad. I added more allspice and ginger, because couscous does dull flavor a bit. Then we ate it, and I think it turned out pretty well. It wanted hot peppers, or at least hot sauce, but there was none. That�s no-planning cuisine for you!

My second dish, which was planned (as in, I stopped at the store on the way and saw something I thought might be fun), was broiled sweet anise. I washed four anises, and cut them roughly into about three bits each. They were then drizzled with olive oil and kosher salt, and broiled for about 25 minutes. Yum!

Then was dessert: Berger cake, which involves chocolate frosting and therefore would be good regardless, but also had cakey goodness; and ZAF�s South-Beach cheesecake, which was, despite its lack of crust and Splenda-bite, quite nice.
Other people should share their recipes, because I don�t know them.

Free Scoop

Being a semi-journalist-wannabe type, I can't resist a scoop. Especially when it's free. For today only, Yahoo! is kindly fronting you a free scoop of ice cream at your local Baskin Robbins. Log in, print out your coupon and the only decision you have to make is what flavor you want. My favorite? Pralines and Cream. (Special thanks to my coworker, Y, who is always has the best email forwards!)

Better Eats

You knew someone was going to do it- Here it is, the Alton Brown 'Good Eats' Drinking Game.

Favorites:

Talke one drink if

• Alton appears in a location outside of Georgia.

• Alton says, "I'm not a nutritional anthropologist" or something close to that.

  Take two drinks if:

• You can see the David dress-up magnet on the refrigerator.

• Alton mentions he likes to grind herbs/spices in a coffee grinder.

• Alton appears as Roman (solder/emperor/whatever).

South Beach day 14

Today's Haiku:
Slim thighs are not worth
This scary toxic powder
No creamer for me

Yestarday's Menu:
A cheeseburger sans bun, half a green pepper, a slice of my awesome no-sugar cheesecake, A chipotle burrito bol, stuffed mushrooms, and a small salad.

I feel
Well, its my last day on South Beach. Results: mixed. Weight loss was rapid at first but I haven't budged in a week despite pretty strict adherence. O' course, men loose weight faster than chicks, but even so it�s a little discouraging.

On the plus side South Beach completely eliminates any hunger pangs and sugar highs and lows. But Is it worth sacrificing rice crispies over? The jury is still out.

Recipe of the day: Stuffed Mushrooms

• Boil 300g frozen spinach until cooked.
  
• Wash 8 large mushrooms, removing and saving the stems.
  
• Chop and saute stems in a pan of olive oil for a few minutes, then remove and saut� mushroom caps.
  
• Mix drained spinach with chopped stems, salt, and Vegeta, and stuff into mushroom caps.

Healthy Eating: Beware Mutant Foods!

We all know about nutritional fads and trendy diets. Some of them may be less atrocious than others, but they all have one thing in common: they tell you that you must eat less ingredient Y and more ingredient X (which the diet expert/celebrity in question will happily sell you). Vitamin and mineral supplementation has been around quite a while, and probably is, at the most basic levels, a Good Thing. Goiters and Rickets are exceedingly rare in the US today, where they were epidemic a generation ago. However, today's frenzied pace of nutritional fads, coupled with the new US Government Dietary Guidelines, make for some seriously worrying food supplementation.

Vitamin C is in everything, vitamin A (Beta Carotene) too. The former in excess quantities can lead to kidney stones, the latter to liver problems and jaundice. The latest thing about to be added to foods are Omega-3-fatty-acids, famous for their protective effects on the heart and vascular system. Now, aside from my general aversion to overly processed and modified foods, there is a serious problem here: omega-3's only have a positive effect in very limited amounts. I used to work in a biochemistry lab doing research on just this topic: how much of what types of lipids (including omega-3, omega-6, and omega-9 fatty acids) were good for you, and how much of what types were bad. Omega-3's are very good for your heart, up to moderate doses, but with more than low-moderate doses, they begin to wreak havoc on the liver and kidneys. I can see this trend going so well.

So how do you eat healthy and stay fit and thin? Eat more! That's right, I said it: "Eat. More." It's just a matter of what you eat. Low-calorie-density foods, like soups and fruits and veggies, fill you up their high volume, but still have fewer calories. One apple is more filling than one cookie, but has probably half to a third as many calories. This is a theme of those new dietary guidelines, and the heart of what may be the next dieting trend. Not that I'm promoting any sort of fad diet at all...they tend to have a second feature in common, as well as the one stated above: as soon as you stop being 100% on them, you gain all the weight back. Which is worse for you than never having lost it (true fact - studies have shown that "yo-yo dieting" is extremely rough on your cardiovascular and digestive (read: insulin regulation) systems. So, you best bet is to eat all kinds of foods in healthy balance and moderate amounts.

Rock Stars Among Us

DCFUD-staffer NM of Seeking Irony and Bluestate is now a rock star in her own right. Or at least, an iPod DJ-star.

Check out the front page article in today's Washington Post.

Cold Stone Update

Just to show how ahead of common herd we are, Consumer Reports followed our lead on Cold Stone Creamery with their own expose in the current March 2005 issue, page 8-9 (you can access their website www.comsumerreports.org by subscription only).

They Say:
"The sum of a Stone Cold creation was better than its parts".

Translation:
The ice cream when sampled alone was not as good as either Haagen Dazs or Ben & Jerry's or even gummy and mild Baskin Robbins. Just average. With mix-ins, taste improved dramatically covering defects in texture and adding flavor complexity.

Other conclusions: Cold Stone costs about the same as the others ounce for ounce but since the smallest serving they sell is 6 oz, each individual serving is more expensive than the others. They also tell you to be sure to grab plenty of napkins - the cups are usually filled to overflowing. We know, we know.

-mhf, guest blogger

South Beach, Day 9

Today's Haiku:
They have vitamins!
They are so vital for health!
Feh. Veggies bore me

Yesterday's Menu:
Grilled steak with Montreal Steak Seasoning on it, no sugar yoghurt smoothie, two hard boiled eggs, some low fat cottage cheese, a cheeseburger sans bun, and a Scotch and soda at Bluestate.

I feel
Could be worse. I've finally discovered the world of no-sugar-added products- Peanut butter made with Splenda, chemical strawberry yoghurt, blue cheese dressing made from artificial flavoring, creamer, and more Splenda, and no-sugar chocolate mouse. Lets hear it for the diabetic-food section at Giant.

Today's Recipe: Chocolate Popsicles

• Mix 1.5 cup skim milk, 1 Tbsp cocoa powder, and 3 packets Splenda
• Pour into popsicle molds or an ice cube tray to freeze

Another Shameless Plug

Not sure what you're doing tonight? I'll tell you what you're doing tonight, you're going to Cafe Saint-Ex for Bluestate to watch DCFUD bloggers nm and rj3 get their groove on. Oh yes you are.

zaf and amg will be the two kids ogling the beer while morosely sipping diet soda.

South Beach day 3

Today's haiku:
Chocolate cake dancing
Over rolling muffin hills
The alarm clock rings

Yesterday's menu
A whole green pepper, half a bag of almonds, half a cucumber, three-cheese omelet with mushrooms. Roasted Chickpeas, and a big old chunk of mahi-mahi. And some more almonds. And peanuts.

I feel:
Carb craving, but full. You can say this about South Beach, you can't eat anything tasty but at least you don�t have to deal with hunger pangs. The sight of popcorn still makes me dizzy tho.

Today's recipe: Roasted Chickpeas
Basically this is for everyone too lazy to just go out and get some hummus.

• Rinse and drain a can of chickpeas. Mix with 2 tbsp olive oil, salt, garlic powder, and pepper.

• Bake for 20 minutes at 450, stirring occasionally until golden brown

• Let it cool- eat with....lettuce?

Sideways Update

So apparently I'm not the only person who saw Sideways and immediately went out to try a Pinot Noir. Much thanks to Amalglife for spotting this article in the Washington Post about skyrocketing Pinot Noir sales from movie publicity.

Apparently more than half the wine sales at Firefly (1310 New Hampshire Ave.) this season were Pinot Noirs.... i still prefer something that doesn't taste sour the second you eat it with food tho.

South Beach day 2

Today's haiku:
In omelets or poached
no matter how many eggs,
I miss my pasta

Yesterday's menu:
Three hard boiled eggs, a piece of turkey, decaf tea with splenda and low carb creamer, a chunk of lowfat cheese, a whole lot of pecans. A garlic/5-spice steak, saut�ed mushrooms (in olive oil) and rj3's excellent mashed cauliflower with huge amounts of butter.

I feel:
Like eating Mt Everest. The sight of a tube of unbaked Pillsubury dinner-roll dough can now make me tremble with carb-lust. I demand muffin!...or just some fruit juice?

Recipe: It Ain't Potatoes But It's Close Mashed Cauliflower

• Chunk a whole cauliflower and steam it until it's extremely squishy.

• Place in a bowl with half a stick of butter and Vegeta if you have it, garlic, salt and pepper if you don't. Then add some extra salt.

• Use a hand masher or electric mixer to squish everything down to a relatively smooth white paste. It actually isn't half bad...actually.

DCFUD is in today's Express!

Well lookit that, DCFUD is in today's express talking about our list of DC wireless hotspots. Just for the record, the long address they printed isn't necessary - you can reach us at www.dcfud.com.

Thanks Express, Yay!

Fud counts carbs; hell freezes over

Alright folks, this is it.

Under the very bad influence of rj3 and an inability to fit into my awesome leather jeans amg and zaf have decided to become less round. Are we going to excercise more? No. Are we going to reduce caloric intake? No. Are we going to amputate a limb? Maybe.

That�s right, starting this morning and for the next two weeks we're all going South Beachy. I promise to report on any success either every few days or whenever I damn well feel like it. Lookit this- I'm only four hours in and already crabby.

South Beach: Because nothing says lovin' like a fad diet which may only work for unhealthy reasons.

Splenda Saga update!

The controversy over Splenda is taking D.C. by storm, and we're not just talking about our website.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, the National Grange and the U.S. Sugar Association held a press conference at the National Press Club downtown this morning to discuss concern among consumer groups about Splenda's advertising claims.

In a statement, CSPI executive director Michael Jacobson calls Splenda's advertising claims "misleading" and says the company should be more upfront about the substance's relationship to sugar.

"Splenda's artificiality may present a marketing challenge, but that's not an excuse to confuse consumers and lead them to believe that Splenda is natural or in any way related to sugar," Jacobson said in the release.

Our Splenda-obsessed writers will keep you updated on the fallout from this latest segment of the saga.

Indignant Hero

Thanks lots to Skunkeye for this link about the firing of Walter Scheib III, the White House Chef.

Apparently, he was already angry about being told that using French recipes and cooking techniques is "unpatriotic"... and being forced to "honor the brand names represented by more than a dozen top GOP and Bush campaign donors" during his inaugural meal.

Alright, the above article is satire, but it is confirmed he's leaving becasue of "stylistic differences with the first lady". She prefers barbequed possum

This guy is my new hero.

Alton Brown, revisited

On Fark today, 'Good Eats' host Alton Brown gets a new look.

Doing the national dishes

Inspired by this pho article, someone asked: Why doesn't the United States have a national dish? Mexico has their burritos, the British have beef wellington (or spoted dick, depending on how snarky an answer you want,) the French their cassoulet.

The early contenders are easy to deal with. Sure, the saying goes "nothing's more American than apple pie." But then, oh, there's the cherry pie lobby trying to get their vote in. And what about corn? Can a vegetable take the title? Frankly, all these are too divisive to carry the mandate.

Let's move on to the heavyweights. Like baseball, hot dogs are stereotypically American. Even Upton Sinclair can't argue that. A certain fast-food clown would rather the whole world associated our fine nation with hamburgers, instead. But really, shouldn't we have, well, a slightly fancier national dish? Something we can dress up a little? When the ambassador from Luxembourg comes over for a formal state dinner, I think it'd be a little embarrassing to have ketchup and mustard next to the fine silverware. I don't care how many stars your restaurant has, there's only so far you can go with either the hamburger or the hot dog.

So what's left? Can't we come together and choose a single national dish for all?

Me, I'm rooting for the Twinkie.

-pmmj, Guest Blogger

Winning My Favor

I usually avoid the gayborhood opting instead for slightly ... uhm ... less tacky locales. Like this one. But regardless, tonight I braved the walk down 17th Street - fully adorned in Mardi Gras beads and screaming underage boys who spell it with an i and clearly need to eat more - to have dinner at Peppers.

Peppers has been around for as long as I can remember, and used to have one of the best brunches in town, though the quality has been less reliable in recent years. Our waitress came to take drink orders, but first she commented that I look like Colin Farrell. Now, I've never heard this before, and I'm a bit hurt she didn't at least add "a much younger" before the name.

Tonight's meal (Ancho and Veggie Quesadillas, with a Stoli Vanil and soda) was good. The quesadilla came well stuffed with cheese and lovely roasted veggies, and a side of jicama slaw (which is bloody good!) and some rather bland pico de gallo. The drinks were strong, and to be honest, that's what I was after.

Not fine dining, but a good place to people watch. And waitresses who know how to get good tips (especially since the service was fairly good even disregarding the compliments)!

Peppers
1527 17th St Nw
202-328-8193

Five guys in various positions

To fast food critics, I say: there's a time and a place for fast food. That is, when I'm hungry, in my stomach. But even without this highly-ambitious criteria it would be nice to think that we're in the middle of a fast food renaissance.

Imagine a world where 'fast food' becomes synonymous with food that's better when cooked fresh and fast. Burritos, crepes, pizzas, salads, sushi, all of these are at their apex when tossed together last minute. Bad fast food is the result when freeze-drying and preservatives must be used to force "quickness" on non-intuitive foods. When the last time you saw a roast chicken put together on a moments notice? No? then it shouldn�t be sold as fast food.

But enough philosophical rant. This is actually a review for Five Guys in China Town. Its alright to be skeptical the first time you go in. McDonalds and Burger king have hurt us all and only much mourning and reconciliation will help our nation accept and work through the damage that's been done to the American burger. Consider Five Guys the first required therapy session on your road to acceptance and recovery.

Burgers at this Zaggats-rated fast food place are large and juicy, made to order with whatever free toppings you can imagine by a line of frantic cooks. Also available: crispy, spicy fries and peanuts to grab by the handful, shell, and toss on the floor from the boxes by the door while you wait.

A board announces where the potatoes for their fries come from today. Comment cards plastering the announcements board contain shout-outs, random doodles, and, most of all, grateful teary-eyed tributes to the menu. Laminated newspaper articles on the wall have titles like " "...best damn burger on the planet" and "These guys are the Willie Wonkas of burger craft." This is what fast food was meant to be

Five Guys Chinatown | 808 H Street, N.W.
Cards are from the 5 guys website

Searchability

I'd like to take a moment for the really odd strings that readers enter into search engines to get here. Just from this last day or two, a couple of my favorites:

• Is soho a train
  
• Fire Marshall Bill
  
• babies cooked in china
  
• girls in white shirts
  
• �Chicken and Dumplings� and �Wine Pairing� (This person was from Arkansas, no surprise there)
  
• what route did the dutch take to Wisconsin
  
• german stroller
  
• creamy pie girls
  
• pricing on 3 legged canes
  
• cash cubes
  
• black sheep restaurant job
  
• What is the size and shape of Uruguay ?

And my favorite, we are the 182nd result for the word �panties� on MSN search. Keep on searching, folks.

Stalking Alton, Part 2: Baltimore-bound

Well, I finally got to meet "Good Eats" host Alton Brown, and boy, did I make an impression on him! The man finds me�irresistible? No. Unsanitary.

Let me back up a bit.

After last night�s 1100-person debacle in Virginia, my friend and I decided to get there at 5, and were handed numbers along with the 20 other individuals lacking enough of a social life to show up that early for a book signing.

We were joined by five other friends and fellow fans. After we chatted, watched